Goofy Fools

To borrow a phrase from Bill Simmons,
There is comedy, there is high comedy, there is trancendent comedy....and then there is a group of balding 45 year old men playing hacky sack in Boston Common.

These guys were old enough to have teenagers that should be the ones kicking that dumb hippy ball around. I wonder if the game got started with one of these aging yuppies asking the others in the office; "Hey, you guys wanna go outside for a hack?"
Dorks.



Damn I wish this picture came out better. Lousy camera phones.

Vigilante Squad

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and it just seems that there are too many individuals who believe they can operate above the law. That they can just do whatever they want without fear of repercussion.

From tobacco companies increasing the amount of nicotine in cigarettes, basically spitting in the face of federal anti-smoking legislation.

To Exxon-Mobile posting record profits while fear mongering and using Iraq, Iran, Katrina and any other excuse to skyrocket the price of oil. Do you think our government is going to do anything about this? Forget it! Bush Sr and Jr. Rummy Cheney et all are all heavily invested in oil. They are making millions and millions. Talk about a conflict in interest.


However, I am not only talking about corporate villains, day to day criminals need to be dealt with harshly too.

Child molesters infiltrating churches and day cares.

Illegal aliens forming the most dangerous gang in America today, making the Blood and Crips look like boyscouts.

Street thugs killing people for jewelry.

Etc etc etc. I could go on for hours.
Law enforcement is either overwhelmed or completely corrupt. There needs to be another answer. There needs to be something that strikes fear into the hearts of scumbags everywhere. So that when they are about to do something ghastly, they stop and think; "Wait, if I do this, those crazy ass motherfuckers might come for me."

You're God-damn right we will.

Anyways, This guy is my #1 draft pick.




Fuck yeah Charlie!
I'm with ya!

Whoopsie

The only thing missing here is a nice Frank Drebin inspired fart.

Something tells me the holidays may be a bit awkward with a certain sister-in-law.






Frank Drebin - Still less outrageous than the Bush Presidency.

Nice Promotion.....Assholes

So, I go to my local D'Angelo Sandwich shop for lunch.
I order a steakbomb, but no drink for two reasons;

1. For some ridiculous reason, D'Angelo thinks it is a "great deal" for their consumers to "combo up" buy adding a fountain drink and a bag of chips for $1.99. A fucking buck 99er???? The chips probably cost 'em about $.40 per bag and fountain drinks only cost eating establishments about $.09 per cup.

2. I try to avoid excess soda and usually drink water at lunch.


Anyways, I order a steak bomb and with my change I am given a "Big Papi" scratch card. Apparently D'Angelo's has brought David Ortiz aboard as an endorser to bolster their sagging status in the area.
I scratch my Big Papi card and win a "Free medium fountain drink".
I figure, well since it is free I guess I could go for a nice Mountain Dew.
So, instead of being a jerk and walking to the front of the counter and demanding my free drink, I actually wait in line again to get my prize (I had to wait for my steakbomb to be grilled anyways).
As I hand the mindless cashier lady (MCL) my prize winning card, I am informed that it is only good for my next purchase. When I told said MCL that I had waited in line again, and this WAS my next purchase, I was told that I actually had to buy something else. So, in order to get my "free" soda (cost of 9 cents to D'Angelo), I had to spend more money. So I ripped my Big Papi scratch card in half in front of MCL and told her she can keep it because I will never be back.

Somehow, I don't think the idea of a promotion is to ensure that customers never return to your store again, but what the fuck do I know.

The steakbomb was fucking subpar anyways.

A New Level of Stupidity

Okay, there is dumb as in George W dumb.

Then there is completely moronic, gamely represented by Larry the Cable Guy

But this guy (link fixed now) has raised the roof and installed dormers onto the house of idiocy.

Hey buddy, if you name is Madin Azad Amin, you might not want to tell airport security that the perverted item in your carry-on bag is a bomb.

Overused Sayings

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been.

Has it really? Let's just stop right there. If you can honestly say your trek to the Grand Canyon with the kiddies in tow was as long and strange as the Grateful Dead's career was, then please continue with my blessing. Otherwise, shut your yip.





"You quoted me in reference to your business trip to Peoria??? Say you're sorry."















Houston, We Have a Problem.

Yeeeecccchhh!! Why don't you drop a Christa McAuliffe joke as well jackass. Let me guess, ten years from now when somebody in your office gets fired, you're gonna say he got "Plutoed".




Ahhhhh...yes, all over Florida. Good one.
No Really...it was good....really.









ANYTHING Dave Chapelle.

Look, I love the man, but when Dave himself wants to kill people who quote him, it becomes time to put "Rick James" away.





Yadda Yadda Yadda.

You loved watching Seinfeld. You watched it religiously every Thursday night. You were one of the "hip" people in the office on Friday mornings trading "Heeeeelllllllllooooo"s and "I'm Keith Hernandez!"s. Then, 10 years went by and yadda yadda yadda, you are still quoting from the show.





They're laughing at you for still using that "Puddy" reference.
Not with you, at you.









May the Force Be With You.

This phrase was forever killed when cash slut George Lucas forced his three shitty prequels up our collective ass canals.

Da Nutsach....Tell it!!




If you've seen ol' Georgie anywhere,
this guy wants a word with him.








Wedding Crashers, Old School, Anchorman, et all.

Okay, I am still guilty of these. The key is to quote from the depths of these movies. If you are still yelling "We're going streaking!" while referring to San Diego as a "whale's vagina", chances are you probably wear a blue shirt to work every day and you're friends don't like you very much.




Oh No You Didn't!!!

Okay, if you are a sista from the Bronx, then this is still fine, but if you are a fat white-trash broad from Indiana, then please just stop. Other sayings you should avoid;
Foshizzle my nizzle
Oh Snap!
You Go Girlfriend!!

Here are a few "white" replacements I can suggest for you, because after all, you are white;
Oh no you didn't! = Did you really do that? Wow, I am surprised.
Foshizzle my nizzle = Sure thing my good friend
Oh Snap! = Darn!
You Go Girlfriend! = Good for you Sally . I am proud of you for standing up for what's right.



Yup, she's ghetto.













The Curse of the Bambino

Christ, we thought this one was put to bed for good, but it is making a resurgence due to the 5 game debacle at Fenway last weekend. Now Dan Shaughnessy is planning to pen "The Return of the Curse" in order to help put his future grandkids through college.




The recent 5 game sweep of the BoSox at the hands of the Yankees means that this cornholer can buy another mansion.







40 is the New 30.

Let's see, your are still unmarried and the big 4 - 0 is barreling down upon you. So you perpetuate an enormous lie to make yourself feel better?
Hmmmm....it's just too bad that the crows who did a tap dance on your once youthful face didn't get the memo.




Exhibit A of the infamous Heckle and Jeckle stampede trial.













"I do say my good friend Jeckel, we stomped that old hag's face but good!"

"Indubitably Heckel, Indubitably!"

Pimpin' Pussy

This story is awesome for two reasons.

1. It is absolutely ridiculous to the point where I hope the terrorist finally get their hands on some nukes and finish us off.

2. This cat is totally bad-ass!!





Don't make me come upside yo head ho!

Preachin'

Now, I don't not believe in organized religion whatsoever, but this is some good shit.

Makes me want to jump on top of a pew, scream "Preach it my brother! Preach it!" and then promptly pass out.

The 10 Gayest Cars Ever

I never intended this to be a "lists" website, but I am sorta on a lists roll.
Be sure to also check out Macca's Annoying Gym Members and TMTMTL's Top 25 Horror Flicks that are spread out over 3 parts.
I
II
III

10. The Porsche Boxster

Famously referred to as a "Pussy Porsche" by Tony Soprano, the Boxster was Porsche's attempt to target the yet untapped "Guppie" (Gay Yuppie) market. A very brilliant and very gay move by Porsche. I'll never look at a 911 Carrera the same way again.


















9. SAAB 900 (1980s) models.


SAAB has since "manned" this car up quite a bit, but when it first came out (pun alert!) it was SUSPECT!! I can't quite pin the reason down though. Perhaps it was the slanted rear, or maybe because it was SAAB's first real splash into the American market and let's face it, SAAB sounds like the last name of a gay porn actor.
Ass Crammers 3, starring Barry SAAB
















8. (Tie) Geo Tracker and Toyota RAV4

This is a tie only because the RAV4 is a blatant, although MUCH better made, ripoff of the Tracker. Both are equally feminine. Defenders of these vehicles try to pass them off as trucks. Yeah, just like Brian Boytano tries to pass himself off as an athlete.



























6. The Mini Cooper

This spooge-fart on wheels should be rated higher on this list, but it gained a touch a credibility when Mike Myers, Matt Damon, and Ed Norton all zipped around in Minis in various major motion pictures. Well played Mini, well played.

















5. Renault's Le Car

Perhaps the original rainbow wagon, real men loved nothing more than taunting the drivers of these vehicles by blowing by them in their GTOs and Chargers. Unfortunately, the Le Car drivers would have the last high pitched feminine chuckle as they kept driving past gas stations.














On the plus side, this was the #3 search result for "Le Car" on Google Images. Nice! I needed that!








4. The Honda Insight

As if being an environmentalist tree hugging dork wasn't bad enough, if you were caught dead tooling around in one of these abominations, there was only one possible explanation...twinkle toes.














3. VW Beetle

Having the nickname "Beetle" since grade school is bad enough. Having to share said nickname with this rolling HIV machine is just plain agitating.













2. Honda Del Sol

Honda's target market for this car was single chics with not a care (or child) in the world. Somewhere along the way, things went horribly horribly wrong.
















And the winner for gayest car ever....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. Black Honda Prelude

Hahaha, just kidding! One of my buddies has this car. Of course his is held together by toilet paper rolls and bailing wire.



















1. (For real this time) Mazda Miata

Come on. Was there ever a question?

Boldly Reinforcing Stereotypes

Just to clarify, I firmly believe that most stereo types are mean spirited.
However, it always cracks me up (or in these cases, completely enrages me) when members of a particular nationality, ethnic group, etc. blatantly do ridiculous things to set their own heritage back a century or so.
A couple of examples;

Is there any question as to what nation this woman is a descendent of?

Here's a hint.


What about this guy?

Another hint


So, to review;
We have a dumb yuppie broad who crawls on her hands and knees all day in grocery stores just to score free stuff.
Then we have a lawyer who sues a ball club for giving away free hand bags to mothers...on FUCKING MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!





Mel....can I get a little help here?

More Annoying People at Work

I guess there really are quite a-many people who get under my skin in the office. If you didn't see part 1, just scroll down a little bit. Also, please feel free to add more annoying co-workers in the comments!



1. The disgruntled "I am smarter than everyone else" guy.

He has the answers to all the of company's woes. Upper management is composed of a "bunch of lying jack-offs" and everything would run smoother if people just listened to him. (It's of no consequence to this schlep that said company just posted a 1.7 billion Q1 profit).
Hey, I am sure you are chock full of great ideas, it's just too bad you are still a Customer Service Rep after 5 years of service, Copernicus.


2. The Cubicle Casanova

He usually is a little older and has been with the company longer than his co-workers. Therefore, here's not only suave, but he knows the lay of the land. At his desk you will find a tin of mentos and a bottle of L.A. Look hair gel. He is always willing to share his wisdom with the young interns, and is likely to have a wager with the Blue Shirts (see below) that he'll bag Janie the ditz after the office X-mas party.
The only problem is....he is still a Customer Service Rep after 5 years of service.




"Hey there.....you're the new girl Sandy right? Let's me show you around the office. That smell? That's the smell of desire young lady."















3. The Desk Sleeper

I don't care if you are at lunch or on one of your scheduled breaks, wake the FUCK up Costanza.
This isn't a fucking motor lodge.




Rise and shine Harold, and tell Kumar to score me some more of that killer gange.








4. The Blue Shirt Crew.

These are the retarded, far less successful cousins to the striped shirt guy.

Look, all guys wear the blue collared button down shirt with khakis every now and again. It's a solid look. But if it's the only thing you ever wear, and the only thing all your buddies at work ever wear ...well....I....I..ummm....I....you know what? Never mind. I can even think of anything insulting enough to say to you.





The Blue Shirts work hard and play hard!









5. The guy from out of town who roots for all the wrong sports teams.

Boy this fucker is annoying. Always in your office first thing in the AM to laugh at you after another humiliating defeat.
However, whenever his team losses, you can't find this guy anywhere. It's like living in an enemy city has enabled him to develop chameleon-like abilities to camouflage himself.

Asshole.





I was going to put a picture of an annoying Yankees fan here, but I decided to go in this direction instead. It just felt right.














6. The person who has to fill you in on all their medical issues.

Excuse me, but I don't remember asking for a half hour dissertation of your gastro-intestinal infection. Mind if I finish my lunch now?


7. The displaced surfer dude.

He had to quit his job at Boardz N Bladez because it wasn't covering the rent for his beach side loft. So, he opted for an office job because, "how hard could it be dude?"
Now, this isn't a bad guy to have in your corner because he usually has good drugs and the office hoochies gravitate towards him, but relying on him to actually accomplish anything? Not a chance.


8. The flaky out-of-touch boss.

Usually a successful entrepreneur type who just can't relate to his/her employees.
A conversation with him might sound like;

Flake Boss: "Yeeeaahhh, for vacation we spent a month hiking in the Andes with only the contents of our back packs and our wits to get us by. We lived for 2 weeks with a native tribe whose village was located 10,000 feet above sea level. By the time we left, they had accepted us as one of their own. It was really a challenging, mind expanding trip. What did you do on your vacation?"

Me: "Ummmm I hit Motorcycle Week at Laconia."






Yeah, I bet I had more fun though!













9. The Bride-to-be

The self centered bitch spends hours of company time ogling wedding catalogs, constantly quizzes her co-worker on different invitation types, and waves her ring around just waiting, like a hungry lioness crouching in the brush, for the next victim to ask about it.
Her wedding absolutely needs to the best..event...ever! Especially better than her "best friend's" (AKA, whore-skank she's always in competition with) was last year. It's just too bad that her fiance only bought her the ring to shut her fucking yap and has a VIP membership to Scores.
5 words for you sweetheart;

I....HOPE....IT....FUCKING....RAINS

(Can you believe there is not one picture of the Wedding Singer's Glenn Guglia on the entire Internet?? Help a blogger out a little would ya www?)


10. The really really I mean REALLY pregnant chic.

This greedy broad is hoping to max out her maternity leave time by staying in work until the little fucker pokes his head and half his left arm out of her crotch. One request for you Goodyear, stay the fuck away from me. I don't need your water breaking on my hush puppies.





Hoping to hang in there for three more weeks.

This Could Only Happen in Steven King's Home State

This thing is fucking awesome.


I love it when backwoods Maine hick folklore is proven true.

One question regarding the story, an eyewitness claims to have had a face to face encounter with this beast when it was still alive and claimed; "...it had a horrible stench I will never forget".
Why the fuck would a living animal have a horrible stench??

As a matter of fact, now that I've thought it over, this whole story has a horrible stench.....of bullshit!

It's just a little too convenient that the wildlife officials and animal control offices neglected to exam the carcass. Then the carcass was picked clean by vultures.
I mean, how hard is it to doctor up a photo and send it to the local paper? Not hard.




Shenanigans! I call shenanigans!!!

Please Don't Do These Things

1. Feed seagulls and/or pigeons.

Nothing ruins a nice day at the beach or local park than some pin head tossing french fries to the local winged rodent population. I can only close my eyes and hope said pin heads receive the Hitchcockian fate they so thoroughly deserve.




I can dream can't I?













2. Blow yield signs.

A Massachusetts specialty.
I actually kinda enjoy when someone nonyields me, because then I can speed up and cut them off viciously enough to make them UPS their pants. What can brown do for you buddy?


3. Use children's toys as transportation.

There is one particular 40 year old turkey that I frequently see whizzing around Boston on a razor scooter with his shirt and tie on. He probably thinks he's hip. Too bad everyone else on the street is hoping for a well placed pot hole.



If you are older than 17 and riding one of these, you should be forced to sing "Nooona Nooona Nooona" out loud the whole time.
(God I hope at least some people get that reference)








4. Serve my meal when I am still working on my apps.

Listen waitresses, if you were too stupid to hold off placing our dinner order with the kitchen until after you've dropped off our apps, at least toss the finished food under a heat lamp and do a couple of lines in the back until we finish our calamari. Thanks!


5. Wear a Che Guevara shirt unless you know who the man actually is and what his role in history was. (Here's a hint, he was best buddies with Fidel Castro)




He is not a fashion symbol and no, he is also not the lead singer of Rage.












6. Go into the drive through if you don't know what you want.

If you need to peruse through the menu, go inside for Christ Sake!


"Sooo...ummmmm...ahhhhh.....ummmm.....one sec......ummmmm......so what's in a Big Mac again?"





8. Practice Tai Chi in a public place (and expect me not to laugh at you).






Getting in touch with her inner buffoon.
















9. Ask me how I want my steak if you are just going to cook it medium well anyways.

Look, I am know I am in the wrong for ordering a steak at Applebee's in the first place, so lets just skip the illusion that you might actually cook it the way I requested.


10. Give the middle finger when posing for pictures.

Who are you, Fred Durst and Eminem's love child? Didn't you get the memo? 1999 is over.












I am giving a #10 exception to all these guys, because they are obviously bad asses.

More Gold Digging

I knew AOL had hit hard times, but this is a bit much.


Stonecutters have yet to confirm rumors that Anna Nicole Smith, Shaune Bagwell, Shanna Moakler, and Beth Ostrosky plan to be on site for the dig.




It's a well know but little publicized fact that Ms. Bagwell and her ilk have always been the primary fuel for the capitalist machine.

Gold Digger Smartens Up

When petitioning for divorce from Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker, his ex-ho simply presented the court the following picture and reasoning;






"Look at him, he's a fucking idiot."

Big Brotha In Dah House!

Okay,
The scary part of this story is apparently they have "speeding cameras" in Arizona???
WTF?????


I've heard of stop light cameras, which I am perfectly fine with as running stop lights is just a dick move, but speeding cameras?? So, if the speed limit on a particular road is 40 MPH, when does the camera start clicking and sending tickets?
41 MPH?? (My God) 50 MPH?? This is info I need to know!
Miss Meg, you are from AZ right, can you shed some light here?





"Welcome to Arizona?? Oh FUCK NO!"

Whoring Myself Out - Welcome New Readers

So, last Friday, the Boston.com discussion boards posted the following topic;
"Please tell us about any inane and silly websites you navigate to in order to kill time."

Of course, where some people see a message board, others (me) see opportunity. After slaving over this blog since May to the tune of about 12 readers per day, I was ready to step it up a notch. So, I whored myself out on the discussion board in a manner that would make P. Diddy blush.




"Hey Sugar, do you want to check out my blog?"






The good news is that it worked.
Over 250 new readers hit the blog over the weekend!
Woo Hoo!
I am hoping for a 10 - 20% conversion rate.
So, Hopefully my blog will now have about 40 readers per day.



A few quick note to new readers;

1. Welcome and be sure to cruise around the archives, there is a decent amount of material

2. As noted in my "Musings" post, sometimes I will post 3 items in one day, and sometimes I won't post anything in a week.
So, please bear with me. Three reason for my sporadic posting behavior;

A. I only post new items while I am at work. I don't even have a computer at home.

B. I never post just for the sake of posting. Something has to be on my mind or pique my interest. I try to stick to a strict "no filler" pledge.

C. It is me and only me posting. My boy Macca helps me with technical stuff because he's good at that and because I have a Mac, and Blogger doesn't work too well with Mac OS 10.


So, without further ado, let me bring out the official Stonecutters welcoming bimbo.






"Hey there, does anyone need anything to drink?'

Proof That Some Countries Are Just Much Cooler Than Ours

New Zealand; No longer the shrimp to Australia's barbie!


Clearly this is the best line in the whole story;
"They also were told police had approved the parade and would be in attendance to ensure road safety."

Memo to New Zealand criminal masterminds, plan a bank heist on the other side of town while this event is happening.
Something tells me that your opposition will be minimal.




If he were still alive, Neil McCauley would be all over the New Zealand National Savings Bank on August 25th.









Everyone sing!
"IIIIIIIIIIIII love a parade!"

Annoying People at Work

Between Office Space, The Office, and countless others, the chronicals of annoying co-workers have been well covered.
However, I can think of at least a few who have been overlooked.


1. The Chronic Over-explainer.

This blithering idiot probably takes 2,000 words to tell her kids how to tie their shoes. Never ask this person a question, avoid meetings held by them at all cost, and for fucks sake pray that you aren't on the distribution list for one of their 11 page e-mails.


2. The "I brought fish for lunch" Guy

Thanks jackass, the entire office now smells like Hilary Clinton's douch bag.
'ppreciate it!




Yes Hilly, it smells THAT bad!












3. The Microwave Hog

Here's an idea, if the cooking directions for your lunch read something like;
"Microwave on medium for 10 minutes. Turn and microwave on medium for 8 minutes. Remove from over, poke holes in platic. Microwave on high for 10 minutes. Turn and microwave on medium for 5 minutes."
Please leave it at home.



4. The Crazy "I bathe in cheap perfume" Lady

Cousin to "Fish Lunch" guy.
Unfortunately, this is never the hot girl who overly slathered her body in Victoria Secrets "lavender and lace" body lotion.
It is usually some retched looking beast-whore with the equivilant of homeless man urine saturating her every pore.




Nope, she's never one to overdue her delicious scent.














5. The "Groans loudly while he shits and/or pisses" Guy

Dude! Really! I know that last meeting was long, but internalize that shit would ya?



6. The "I'm entitled to 2 cig breaks an hour" Person

This cancer ridden asshole does less work than Christopher Reeve at a ping pong tournament.





"The ball goes back and forth and back and....whoops! I got it! I got...oh wait... You got it? Okay.
Nice hit Chan! Nice job!"









7. The Chronic Complainer

You know what, if you don't like it here then GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!



8. The Always Sick Person

Constantly snivling. Balled up tissues all over their desk. Lot's of complaining. LOUD coughing.
Start taking some vitimins for FUCK SAKE!!!



9. The Girl Who's Always Cold

Extra points if she's blasting her co-workers out with her space heater.
Friggid bitch.






"Ummmm Betsy...it's July."















10. The Elderly Person who is always spouting "old timey" wisdom.

Excuse me gramps, why do you think it is that you work under me despite being three times my age?
It's because you're stupid. Now go away.




Go change your diaper pops.