Please Don't Do These Things

1. Feed seagulls and/or pigeons.

Nothing ruins a nice day at the beach or local park than some pin head tossing french fries to the local winged rodent population. I can only close my eyes and hope said pin heads receive the Hitchcockian fate they so thoroughly deserve.




I can dream can't I?













2. Blow yield signs.

A Massachusetts specialty.
I actually kinda enjoy when someone nonyields me, because then I can speed up and cut them off viciously enough to make them UPS their pants. What can brown do for you buddy?


3. Use children's toys as transportation.

There is one particular 40 year old turkey that I frequently see whizzing around Boston on a razor scooter with his shirt and tie on. He probably thinks he's hip. Too bad everyone else on the street is hoping for a well placed pot hole.



If you are older than 17 and riding one of these, you should be forced to sing "Nooona Nooona Nooona" out loud the whole time.
(God I hope at least some people get that reference)








4. Serve my meal when I am still working on my apps.

Listen waitresses, if you were too stupid to hold off placing our dinner order with the kitchen until after you've dropped off our apps, at least toss the finished food under a heat lamp and do a couple of lines in the back until we finish our calamari. Thanks!


5. Wear a Che Guevara shirt unless you know who the man actually is and what his role in history was. (Here's a hint, he was best buddies with Fidel Castro)




He is not a fashion symbol and no, he is also not the lead singer of Rage.












6. Go into the drive through if you don't know what you want.

If you need to peruse through the menu, go inside for Christ Sake!


"Sooo...ummmmm...ahhhhh.....ummmm.....one sec......ummmmm......so what's in a Big Mac again?"





8. Practice Tai Chi in a public place (and expect me not to laugh at you).






Getting in touch with her inner buffoon.
















9. Ask me how I want my steak if you are just going to cook it medium well anyways.

Look, I am know I am in the wrong for ordering a steak at Applebee's in the first place, so lets just skip the illusion that you might actually cook it the way I requested.


10. Give the middle finger when posing for pictures.

Who are you, Fred Durst and Eminem's love child? Didn't you get the memo? 1999 is over.












I am giving a #10 exception to all these guys, because they are obviously bad asses.