The Dont's of Posting Pictures to Dating Sites

When deciding a picture to post onto Yahoo singles, Hotornot, or Hotmanmeat.com, there are certain rules that need to be followed.
Here are some example of people who broke some of the cardinal rules:



The Sideways Picture

Are you too dumb to rotate the picture and save it before you post it?
This says one thing; You are too fucking dumb to be dating. Find a short bus and hop aboard!
















The Tiny Picture

WTF? Did an Oompa Loompa give you your camera for Christmas?



Missing a Major Portion of Face and/or Head

What the hell is wrong with the upper right portion of your head that you decided to post this picture?
Perhaps nothing, but you better believe that my imagination is running wild with images of a huge goider or massive shotgun wound.





















The Psychotic Smile

My God, please do not bludgeon me to death while I sleep!







Food Stuff on Face

Are you kidding me? You couldn't wipe the strawberry Bubbilicious off your fat face before posting your picture? You expect to get dates with this?



















Posing with Your Children and/or While Pregnant.

This "prize" is killing two birds with one stone. I've got 10 bucks that says her parents weren't too thrilled when they met her "baby daddy."

















Writing Self Serving Notes on Your Pictures

Ummmmm....I don't see too many brunettes walking around with blonde roots. 'Nuff said.


















Posting Pic Right After you Fell Asleep in a Tanning Booth

Looks like you leaned up against a bus in London with a "wet paint" sign. Dummy.


















The Extreme Close Up

Rap supergroup Onyx penned a ryhme about you.
BACK THE FUCK UP!












The Goofy Pose

This is why the terrorists hate us.






















Blurry Pictures

Siiiighhh....The Helen Keller school of photograghy is now in session














Scribbling Others Out of Picture

You can't crop the picture before you post it?
Also, seeing as you are the only one in the pic not crossed out like a kindergarten down syndrom drawing, the "Me" with the arrow is probably redundant.













Photoshopping Your Picture to Make Yourself Look Thinner

Let's look closely at the following two pictures. In the top one, her right arm appears to be missing? What up wit dat?
A look at the second picture gives us the answer. Notice how her right side looks like it was bitten by a shark, and how her left hip has a mysterious triangle chunk taken out of it?? I call shananigans! Going back to the first picture, we realize that she sacrificed her right arm in order to deceptively slim her torso. I love the smell of insecurity in the morning.





















Finally, last but certainly not least....




Pretending to be Something You're Not

Ummm....If you are a dude trying to pass yourself off as a girl, you might want to look into waxing your arms and shoulders.
And if you really are a girl? Well, I apologize......Sasquatch.

Me Likey Moving Pictures

One of our favorite web sites, FoundryMusic.com, has tons of cool videos posted on it. Unfortunately there are literally thousands of videos, and a lot of 'em are just meeeeh.
So, I'll be sorting through them from time to time and bringing you only the best of the best, each time with a different theme.

Today's theme - Accidents

More balls than skill, or brains

Watching turkeys dump their rice burners = funny.

Turkey One
Turkey Two
Turkey Three

Watch the slow motion closely.

Just plain bad driving. Don't these people watch the road more than 50 feet in front of them?

You go squish now!

They're people! Those bowling pins are people!!!

Best of Hotornot.com

Why bother scrolling thousands of pages of fat pigs whose key words are "cutie" (you are not a cutie you pugfug cunt) and "clubbin" (only if I could go "clubbin" your fat squash like it was a baby seal), just to find the occasional hot slut. I've done all the grunt work for you. There's plenty more to come, so keep checking back! - Beetle

Harrassing a NY Post Reporter

Here is an interesting e-mail conversation I had with NY Post columnist Mike Vaccaro after he wrote an article suggesting that New York Yankee pitchers should throw at David Ortiz.
Here is a link to a summary of the original article. (Yes, a summary. I ain't paying to unarchive the entire thing!)
I've changed my e-mail address in this posting because I have enough stalkers already.



From: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue 5/9/2006 3:06 PM
To: Michael.Vaccaro
Subject:

So, the Yanks need to "let a little music dance across the whiskers" of David Ortiz?
Would that be the same way the blast of cum dance across your whiskers you cum guzzler!
I can hear you T-cell count dropping from here!

"I hope that you die, and your death'll come soon."
B. Dylan.


From: "Michael.Vaccaro"
To: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Subject: RE:
Date: Tue, 9 May 2006 17:49:33 -0400

That's the single most vile thing I've ever seen. Nice stuff. You
don't just give Red Sox fans a bad name, but human beings, too.


From: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed 5/10/2006 10:08 AM
To: Michael.Vaccaro
Subject: apologies


Writing an article about throwing baseballs at people heads is pretty awful
as well. By the way, Roger CLemens faced the Red Sox 4 more times in 2003 after his famous "plate coverage" quote. He never threw at Ortiz and he actually gave up a home run to David in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.
I do apologize for my previous e-mail, it was quite vile and inhuman.
However, the thought of a writer wrecklessly suggesting that Randy Johnson and crew purposely throw at Ortiz is sickening.
Don't forget, you are dealing with a fan base who witnessed the tragedy of
Tony Conigliaro first hand. Tony C, the youngest player ever to reach 100 career homeruns (at the ripe age of 23 year and a couple of months) probably would have been the difference maker for the great Sox teams of '67, '75, and '78.
Instead, a pitcher who was jealous at his inability to get Tony out, decided
to take it upon himself to destroy the man's career and life.
I am sure that my e-mail wasn't the only vile one you've received from
Boston, and the sad story of Tony C. is probably why.


From : Michael.Vaccaro
Sent : Wednesday, May 10, 2006 12:19 PM
To: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Subject : RE: apologies

No apologies necessary, Chris. The great thing about sports is how it can get you fired up like this. It's why I love it so much anyway. And just to clarify: there's a difference between "throwing at" someone and "brushing him back." Tony C is the best example, and I assure you, if I or anyone else ever publicly calls for someone to get beaned, we ought to be arrested. But owning the inside part of the plate is a strategy that's been around for 150 years.

By the way, your original email got quite a few laughs from the boys in the office ... I fear they may think you were right on ...

Mike Vaccaro