Caption This! Motherfuckers!

Boston.com, the official webpage for the Boston Globe, has a weekly segment asking readers to create there own caption for humorous photos. Of course, since the Boston Globe considers themselves to be a highly reputable news source, it is a guarantee that all responses will be as lame as possible and absolutely devoid of any actually humor.

Here is today's picture along with a sample to actually reader's "humorous" captions. (Sorry I can't link to it directly, it is a registration only type of thing)

Take notice that some dillweed named "Woodman" has posted half the responses and even uses a duplicate substituting "Red Sox" for "Yankees".
Two comments for Woodman;

1. You are a comic genius.

2. If I had a way of tracking you down, I would kill you.

At the end is the caption I submitted. The rest of my work day will consist of refreshing the page to see if they have enough balls to actually post it.






















Posted by Woodman on 11:13 AM
Hey kid, when you grow up don't ever let your mommy dress you.
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Message #752.22 in response to #752.1
Posted by Mr.Slave on 11:16 AM
Sombody call DSS immediately.
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Message #752.23 in response to #752.1
Posted by Woodman on 11:17 AM
As the trading deadline nears, the Boston Red Sox were out scouting potential talent to add to their roster.
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Message #752.24 in response to #752.1
Posted by GlenLcc on 11:17 AM
Cindy Sheehan and President Bush meet face to face
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Message #752.25 in response to #752.1
Posted by Woodman on 11:18 AM
I really wanted to be an Oscar Mayer weiner, but this is the best I could do.
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Message #752.26 in response to #752.1
Posted by mdidonna on 11:20 AM
"AAAHHH!!!!, A Baby, RUN AWAY!!!"

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Message #752.27 in response to #752.1
Posted by Woodman on 11:21 AM
As the trading deadline nears, the NY Yankees were out scouting potential talent to add to their roster. Seems like a good fit to me.
Reply


Beetle: "Touchy" The Clown is handed another victim on a silver platter.

Corruption, Politics, Cash, and the MBTA

My faithful Stonecutters readership (hi Mom!) is all too familiar with my experiences with the wonderful MBTA (Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority).
From my "See Something Say Something" experience to murderous trains making me late for work.

Well, my favorite organization is back once again to torment me. You all may or may not be familiar with the recent Big Dig tunnel collapse in Boston a couple of weeks back. Well, the collapse happened in the Ted Williams tunnel which is essentially the key pipeline between Boston and the North Shore of Massachusetts, where I happen to live of course. The result of the collapse is that the tunnel is now closed indefinitely. Therefore, traffic issues in Boston are at an all time high, even worse than they were before the Big Dig tunnels opened! I love irony.

So now, North Shore commuters unable to drive into Boston are piling onto the MBTA trains that I take to work every day.
So, how has the good ol' MBTA responded to this sudden influx of riders paying piles of additional cold hard cash into their coffers each day? Increase the number of trains during rush hour maybe? Or perhaps add a couple of additional cars to the trains servicing the North Shore? Or simply placing a maintanence priority on the North Shore line to ensure that trains do not break down?
WRONG!!! The answer is simple; Pack the additional cash paying suckers on the regularly scheduled, frequently un-airconditioned, often broken down trains, and stuff the extra income gained into their FAT GLUTTONOUS PIG WHORE FACES!! ARRRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHG!!!!!!! (Much stuff being broken).







"Next stop...Salem"











Meeting of the MBTA braintrust.










This is just yet another example of fat-cat Massachusetts politicians and political organizations lining their pockets while the people suffer. So the question is? How do we punish these transgressors? How can we serve a nice plate of cold justice to those who have allowed others to suffer and even die in order to squeeze a few more bundles of cash into their pockets?
How can we ensure that these greedy slobs finally realize that we mean business and are not going to take it anymore?






Your guess is as good as mine.

Nerd Sports

Oh man, what to make of this.
Perhaps the best part is that it appears from this interview that Mr. Wozniak is apparently somewhat winded from all of his strenuous activity.







Segway Polo Groupies

What a little Cunt Bag

Nice job Johnny, chasing down stay-at-home moms and their little E-Bay businesses.
I hope you die a slow grueling death from rectal syphilis.















Hey Johnny, have you ever heard the story of Samson??
We didn't think so.



I found the following excerpt from Samson's story to be especially fitting;
"It is important in comprehending the story to understand that Samson's power does not lie in his hair. It is merely that he has now already broken the first two laws of the Nazarite. This is the last straw, so God removes his power."

This is a perfect analogy for Damon, as he didn't lose his soul when he cut his hair, It is merely that he has now already broken the first two karmatic laws of baseball and life;

1. Don't dump your high school sweetie for a stripper once you become a big star.
2. Don't ever...EVER leave the Red Sox to sign with the Yankees.






No Johnny, I wasn't referring to this Samson from "Half Baked"

Too Bad Bugs Never Did This to Elmer

So much for the idea that carrots are good for your vision.






By the way, this was the very first result when searching the word "carrot" on Google images. No bullshit.

I Am Sorry, But This is Ridiculous

I mean really, is this the most advanced space craft ever built by man, or is it Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowny just finishing a 6 second run in 1978?

Absurd.































By the way, this was the #3 result when searching the phrase "Drag Racing" on Google images (try it yourself if you don't believe me)
Gotta love the Internet!

Cheap Bitch Pays Dearly

Sure, this dumb whore won over $21,000 dollars, but I hope she lays awake at night with the horrible thought that if she had simply made a real bet of 10 dollars instead of betting a dime like the fucking chisler that she is, she would have won $2,158,400!
On a side note, this article states that "Many tracks nationwide have introduced such 10-cent wagers to lure more customers".
I am sorry, but if you are making any type of business transaction in this day and age where your primary compensation is a single Roosevelt, well....it's safe to say that business is not good.






We laugh at your cheap bet!

My Pet Peeve - Hand Dryers

Last Friday afternoon I scarffed down a Big Mac and Fries at my local McDonalds. I go to the rest room to wash up. It's was 90+ degrees outside, so I splash some refreshing cool water on my face to rid myself of excess sweat. I go to dry up and.....that's right! No paper towels, just a fucking cunt-ass hand dryer!!!! FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!
My face is dripping wet and there is no reasonable way to dry it. (normally I check for the presence of dryers vs. towels before washing said face, but I forgot this time....fucking sue me alright!?!?!)

What's that you say? Hmmmm? Turn the nozzel upwards and use the dryer to dry my face? I REPEAT SHIT STICK, IT WAS OVER 90 FUCKING HUMID ASS DEGREES OUT!!! AND I'M GONNA DRY MY FACE WITH A BLAST OF STEAMING HOT AIR???? YOU BETTER FUCKING WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW CHEESE DICK!!!
Besides, the nozzel on this particular gas bag didn't even turn upwards anyways. Stuck permanently facing down.





"Hey guys, can you point that over here? I need to dry my face. Thanks!"






Warning! Completely unrealted tangent:
Okay, speaking of McDonalds, how is it that Ronald McDonald is the only surviving member of The Burger Bunch from the 80s? Ronald is FUCKING GAY!! Does anyone over 3 years old like this clown? Anyone?? Bueller??
Hamburgular rocked in a completely politically incorrect way (Only a character named The McSodomizer could have possibly been funnier).
Mayor McCheese was the fucking bomb and even Grimmace, while annoying, could kick Ronald's yellow ass up and down the block. Plus, nothing is funnier than calling a fat girl wearing purple "Grimmace". Brings down the house every time. And what about the Fry Guys? Plain Awesomeness!! (Can you believe I can't even find a picture of the Fry Guys on Google? WTF???)


"Rabble rabble" Translation;
Ronald's a fucking dead man for firing me!




Back to hand dryers.
Stoned out hippie defenders of these pieces of trash will give you the following arguments;

1. Dryers eliminate paper towel waste which therefore is better for the envirmonent.
Beetle's myth busting retort #1:
Paper towel are 100% bio-degradable and can be made for recycled materials. And since the paper doesn't need to be of particiular high quality, they can be manufactured from a high percentage of post-consumer waste (If you don't know what I am talking about here, then start doing a little bit of reading, would ya please? Dummy.)

2. It uses more energy to produce and transport paper towels, and then dispose of said paper towels than hand dryers do.
Beetle's myth busting retort #2:
Regarding transportation, restaurants already have trucks delivering them napkins and other shit. Therefore, the trucks are already coming. Tossing a couple of boxes of towels onto said trucks uses exactly ZERO percent more energy. (If you are calculating the addition weight of said boxes and the resulting lower fuel economy of the trucks, then I hope your caculater Chernobyls in your face you incremental bean counting cunt!!!!!) Percentage wise, it is ZERO. Or 0.0000000000000000000000143 to be exact! In other words, ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regarding waste removal. Same as above. The trucks are already coming to empty your dumpster. A few extra bags of trash is not going to make a difference. I repeat....THE TRUCKS ARE ALREADY COMING ANYWAYS!

Regarding the energy used manufacturing towels; Well, I godfucking gaurantee you that you can produce 2 tons of towels for the same enegy it take to produce just one of those steel dryers. And don't forget, dryers are made of steel, which means strip mining!!!! We all know how much you dumb hippies love strip mining!

You see, that is the problem with idealist hippies, they have all of these great ideals, but are generally some of the most mis-informed people on the planet.


"All that weed I smoked really has expanded my mind MAAANNN! Now let's go change the world! What's that? I have to get up and do stuff?? Forget it man, Phish is still playing for like 4 more days....and then I am gonna hop in my van which get 7 MPG and follow them to their next show! I haven't fixed the catalytic converter in 6 years, but I give Joe at the gas station a bag each year in exchange for a sticker. SAVE THE EARTH MAAANNN!!!



Now, here is my argument;
Let's take California as an example. California is a State which actually had to enact rolling blackouts over the past several summers due a shortage of energy.
California has a population of over 36 million people.
Therefore, I would guesstimate (I may be way off here) that there are probably close to 1 million hand dryers across the State.
Now, each of those dryers, on average, is probably pressed at least 100 times per day. That means 100 million uses every single fucking day (36.5 BILLION per year)!!!!! I don't care how energy efficient those things claim to be, 100 million times even a tiny amount of energy suddenly equals a whole fucking shitload of energy.
Cali? Want to solve your lil' energy crisis, a good start would be to ban those lil fuckers!!!!!

Concerned Hippy; "But wait Beetle, what about all that energy used to manufacture all those additional paper towels?"
Beetle (after delivering dope slap to Concerned Hippy's head): Most of those paper towels are maufactured in a different state, you know, maybe even one that doesn't have an energy crisis.


Anyways, that is my idea.
It's funny how a whole movement can begin just because one embittered ass (me) couldn't dry his face.





"Beetle go SMASH now!!!!!!"

Really Bad Movie Cliches

Some things happen in movies and only in movies.
Here are a few of my favs.


The 3rd party shooter

So, we are closing in on the end of the movie, the supremely evil villain has our dashing hero dead to rights (whatever that means). Just as the villain is about to squeeze the trigger....BANG!!! The hero checks himself for the bullet hole....BUT HE'S OKAY!!!! Suddenly the villain slumps over with blood trickling from his mouth. IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE FOLKS!!!!
Who shot the villain??? Why it was the hero's partner/love interest/best buddy whom we were sure the villain disposed of 5 minutes before when he emptied his clip in their back. I sure didn't see that one coming!!!





This guy was a bad ass in Die Hard....until he was wasted by Urkel's dad.


Then there is the cousin to the 3rd party shooter, and that is when the partner/love interest/best buddy takes a bullet for the hero. If that happens, oh boy...look out. The hero is gonna be pissed. Memo to bad guys everywhere; When taking aim at the hero, watch out for the diving partner/lover/buddy!





Praying alone in an empty church

Our hero/leading man has something heavy weighing on his mind. He's in church at some ungodly hour (pun somewhat intended) praying. At some point, the pastor is bound to walk over to console him (It would be much funnier if he handed him the collection plate)
Who does this? Are churches unlocked and open for business 24/7?



The Angry Police Chief

Come on! Do all Police Chiefs have bugs up their collective arses?
Why are they always riding Marion Cobretti and Martin Riggs?
Sure the collateral damage they've caused is through the roof, but these motherfuckers get the job done!





On second though, you'd be an asshole too if you had to supervise this douche bag.










The car that just won't start.

"We are gonna get away! Sure the evil doer is approaching with varying amounts of haste, but we've got just enough time to fire up my trusty '79 Regal and skeeeeedaddle!!" Wrwrwrwrwrrrrrr.....wrwrwrwrwrwrwrrrrr "Uh-oh"



"Quick, the zombies are coming! Everyone pile in!"









The Hero shoulder shot

Also during the climax of any action movie, the villain has the hero in his sites, squeezes the trigger BAM!!.....right in the shoulder! Ensuring that the hero will be just healthy enough to still dispose of the villain in a highly dramatic fashion. (Usually by chucking him off a roof, mountain top, or other location of extreme altitude. I guess movie goers just love watching bad guys fall from high places)



Well, that's all I got for now.
Please feel free to add any I may have missed (yes, all 7 of you!!).
One quick rule, avoid 80s movie cliches. Those have been exposed and beaten to death.