General Rules for the Office

Listen, I don't purport to be wiser than my fellow man, and I am not trying to come across as being superior in anyway. That being said, the following things are just plain common sense. I shouldn't even have to say them, but as my Mom always says;
"Common sense isn't too common".

1. Never schedule a meeting or conference call before 11:00 AM on a Monday.

For fuck sake! Let us get settled in, get some coffee, check e-mails and voice mail, and just generally get back into the groove before we have to sit down and listen to you drone on and on about marketing strategy.

2. Never schedule a meeting or conference call after 3:00 PM on a Friday.

The dreaded e-mail arrives in your box usually around 2:30 on Friday afternoon, or right about the same time I am perusing Sportsguys weekly football picks;
"Let's get together at 4:30 and discuss the schematics of the upcoming...."
Are you fucking kidding me????? My brains checked out of the office 2 hour ago, I would as soon go "Mucko" as I would attend you fucking faggot meeting.



No one here is nearly as important and they think they are. Especially the pompous ass sitting on the table.










3. Never expect too much work to be done on Friday.

Okay, if no one else will admit to it, then I will. Friday is a BLOW OFF DAY! I will work at max 50% capability on Friday. If you expect anything more from me, well you can just take your horrendous purple tie that your fat wife bought you for Christmas in 1987 and cram it up your cornhole.




You know where you can stick it Jeffery!










4. Never schedule a meeting anytime between 12:00 and 2:00 and not provide food.

If you do so, I will be mentally slaughtering you for the entire duration of the meeting. We are talking Saw III type mutilations.

5. Never complain that the office has "too much food".

Listen tubby, if you can't control your bindging and step up to a treadmill once in a millennium, then that's your own friggin fault. Never knock free food!













"Can you believe that our company always has these picnics and makes us eat? It's their fault that my husband hung himself last year!"


6. If you have an awful taste is music, then wear headphones.

There is no way that ABBA Gold should be echoing across the entire office.


7. I have an office and you have a cubicle for a reason. Don't fuck with me.

8. Don't force your health agenda onto co-workers.

An actual memo sent by my company's "Wellness Team" actually requested that people refrain from bringing in candy for halloween and instead bring in healthy items such as fruits and veggie sticks. I bet they wonder why their house gets egged every year.






"Trick or Treat!!"









9. Avoid using management jargon.

Listen, you may think you're smart by stating that the company needs to focus on core competencies while creating synergistic relationships between departments in order to fast track deliverables while creating quality customer outcomes that increase overall profitability, but I will not believe you possess any intelligence whatsoever until you can tell me what your strategy is to actually accomplish your linguistic gymnastics you fraudulent turd.