My Pet Peeve - Hand Dryers

Last Friday afternoon I scarffed down a Big Mac and Fries at my local McDonalds. I go to the rest room to wash up. It's was 90+ degrees outside, so I splash some refreshing cool water on my face to rid myself of excess sweat. I go to dry up and.....that's right! No paper towels, just a fucking cunt-ass hand dryer!!!! FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!
My face is dripping wet and there is no reasonable way to dry it. (normally I check for the presence of dryers vs. towels before washing said face, but I forgot this time....fucking sue me alright!?!?!)

What's that you say? Hmmmm? Turn the nozzel upwards and use the dryer to dry my face? I REPEAT SHIT STICK, IT WAS OVER 90 FUCKING HUMID ASS DEGREES OUT!!! AND I'M GONNA DRY MY FACE WITH A BLAST OF STEAMING HOT AIR???? YOU BETTER FUCKING WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW CHEESE DICK!!!
Besides, the nozzel on this particular gas bag didn't even turn upwards anyways. Stuck permanently facing down.





"Hey guys, can you point that over here? I need to dry my face. Thanks!"






Warning! Completely unrealted tangent:
Okay, speaking of McDonalds, how is it that Ronald McDonald is the only surviving member of The Burger Bunch from the 80s? Ronald is FUCKING GAY!! Does anyone over 3 years old like this clown? Anyone?? Bueller??
Hamburgular rocked in a completely politically incorrect way (Only a character named The McSodomizer could have possibly been funnier).
Mayor McCheese was the fucking bomb and even Grimmace, while annoying, could kick Ronald's yellow ass up and down the block. Plus, nothing is funnier than calling a fat girl wearing purple "Grimmace". Brings down the house every time. And what about the Fry Guys? Plain Awesomeness!! (Can you believe I can't even find a picture of the Fry Guys on Google? WTF???)


"Rabble rabble" Translation;
Ronald's a fucking dead man for firing me!




Back to hand dryers.
Stoned out hippie defenders of these pieces of trash will give you the following arguments;

1. Dryers eliminate paper towel waste which therefore is better for the envirmonent.
Beetle's myth busting retort #1:
Paper towel are 100% bio-degradable and can be made for recycled materials. And since the paper doesn't need to be of particiular high quality, they can be manufactured from a high percentage of post-consumer waste (If you don't know what I am talking about here, then start doing a little bit of reading, would ya please? Dummy.)

2. It uses more energy to produce and transport paper towels, and then dispose of said paper towels than hand dryers do.
Beetle's myth busting retort #2:
Regarding transportation, restaurants already have trucks delivering them napkins and other shit. Therefore, the trucks are already coming. Tossing a couple of boxes of towels onto said trucks uses exactly ZERO percent more energy. (If you are calculating the addition weight of said boxes and the resulting lower fuel economy of the trucks, then I hope your caculater Chernobyls in your face you incremental bean counting cunt!!!!!) Percentage wise, it is ZERO. Or 0.0000000000000000000000143 to be exact! In other words, ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regarding waste removal. Same as above. The trucks are already coming to empty your dumpster. A few extra bags of trash is not going to make a difference. I repeat....THE TRUCKS ARE ALREADY COMING ANYWAYS!

Regarding the energy used manufacturing towels; Well, I godfucking gaurantee you that you can produce 2 tons of towels for the same enegy it take to produce just one of those steel dryers. And don't forget, dryers are made of steel, which means strip mining!!!! We all know how much you dumb hippies love strip mining!

You see, that is the problem with idealist hippies, they have all of these great ideals, but are generally some of the most mis-informed people on the planet.


"All that weed I smoked really has expanded my mind MAAANNN! Now let's go change the world! What's that? I have to get up and do stuff?? Forget it man, Phish is still playing for like 4 more days....and then I am gonna hop in my van which get 7 MPG and follow them to their next show! I haven't fixed the catalytic converter in 6 years, but I give Joe at the gas station a bag each year in exchange for a sticker. SAVE THE EARTH MAAANNN!!!



Now, here is my argument;
Let's take California as an example. California is a State which actually had to enact rolling blackouts over the past several summers due a shortage of energy.
California has a population of over 36 million people.
Therefore, I would guesstimate (I may be way off here) that there are probably close to 1 million hand dryers across the State.
Now, each of those dryers, on average, is probably pressed at least 100 times per day. That means 100 million uses every single fucking day (36.5 BILLION per year)!!!!! I don't care how energy efficient those things claim to be, 100 million times even a tiny amount of energy suddenly equals a whole fucking shitload of energy.
Cali? Want to solve your lil' energy crisis, a good start would be to ban those lil fuckers!!!!!

Concerned Hippy; "But wait Beetle, what about all that energy used to manufacture all those additional paper towels?"
Beetle (after delivering dope slap to Concerned Hippy's head): Most of those paper towels are maufactured in a different state, you know, maybe even one that doesn't have an energy crisis.


Anyways, that is my idea.
It's funny how a whole movement can begin just because one embittered ass (me) couldn't dry his face.





"Beetle go SMASH now!!!!!!"