You know you want it. So here it is.

Friday, November 17, 2006


Except on my blog, HNT stands for half-naked tazering.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Just Another Bitch Whore Diva

So much for Faith Hill's wholesome country girl image.
What a cunt.
I don't know what's funnier, her astonished reaction that the Hillybilly Music Association had the audacity to give the award to someone besides herself, or that ridiculous phoney pose she is in when she makes the assumption that she would be announced the winner.
What a stupid dingy broad!
Imagine the ride home poor Tim McGraw must have had?
"Can you believe that gave MY award to the fucking whore.....blah blah blah blah"
Hopefully Tim went old-school country on her by putting a Jimmy Beam bottle upside her oversized dome.

They've Finally Found Common Ground

A seemingly never ending war between two cultures that has generally been cause by cultural intolerance on both sides may finally be resolved, due to both culture's intolerance of a third group of people.

In related news, Hamas has released a Fatwa declaring a Jihad on the city of Provincetown, MA.

Also today, Israeli tanks fired on the City of Providence, RI killing 19 innocent civilians. An unnamed Israeli military official blamed the strike on incorrect and/or misinterpreted strategic information.

All of this is simply more proof that all religions must be abolished from the face of the Earth.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Retard Button

I am not sure which is more disturbing, the fact the Staples actually sells an "Easy Button" similar to the one shown of those stupid commercials, or that fact that
they've sold 1.5 million of the idiotic things already.

My personal "Easy Button" would be connected to the trigger of one of these

which would be located under here.

Go ahead and push it.

General Rules for the Office

Listen, I don't purport to be wiser than my fellow man, and I am not trying to come across as being superior in anyway. That being said, the following things are just plain common sense. I shouldn't even have to say them, but as my Mom always says;
"Common sense isn't too common".

1. Never schedule a meeting or conference call before 11:00 AM on a Monday.

For fuck sake! Let us get settled in, get some coffee, check e-mails and voice mail, and just generally get back into the groove before we have to sit down and listen to you drone on and on about marketing strategy.

2. Never schedule a meeting or conference call after 3:00 PM on a Friday.

The dreaded e-mail arrives in your box usually around 2:30 on Friday afternoon, or right about the same time I am perusing Sportsguys weekly football picks;
"Let's get together at 4:30 and discuss the schematics of the upcoming...."
Are you fucking kidding me????? My brains checked out of the office 2 hour ago, I would as soon go "Mucko" as I would attend you fucking faggot meeting.

No one here is nearly as important and they think they are. Especially the pompous ass sitting on the table.

3. Never expect too much work to be done on Friday.

Okay, if no one else will admit to it, then I will. Friday is a BLOW OFF DAY! I will work at max 50% capability on Friday. If you expect anything more from me, well you can just take your horrendous purple tie that your fat wife bought you for Christmas in 1987 and cram it up your cornhole.

You know where you can stick it Jeffery!

4. Never schedule a meeting anytime between 12:00 and 2:00 and not provide food.

If you do so, I will be mentally slaughtering you for the entire duration of the meeting. We are talking Saw III type mutilations.

5. Never complain that the office has "too much food".

Listen tubby, if you can't control your bindging and step up to a treadmill once in a millennium, then that's your own friggin fault. Never knock free food!

"Can you believe that our company always has these picnics and makes us eat? It's their fault that my husband hung himself last year!"

6. If you have an awful taste is music, then wear headphones.

There is no way that ABBA Gold should be echoing across the entire office.

7. I have an office and you have a cubicle for a reason. Don't fuck with me.

8. Don't force your health agenda onto co-workers.

An actual memo sent by my company's "Wellness Team" actually requested that people refrain from bringing in candy for halloween and instead bring in healthy items such as fruits and veggie sticks. I bet they wonder why their house gets egged every year.

"Trick or Treat!!"

9. Avoid using management jargon.

Listen, you may think you're smart by stating that the company needs to focus on core competencies while creating synergistic relationships between departments in order to fast track deliverables while creating quality customer outcomes that increase overall profitability, but I will not believe you possess any intelligence whatsoever until you can tell me what your strategy is to actually accomplish your linguistic gymnastics you fraudulent turd.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Not Classic and Certainly Not Rock

Okay, can we all agree to ban the following bands and/or songs from all Classic Rock radio stations? They all suck kangaroo balls.
I bought a satellite radio in hopes of escaping these bands, no luck.

Loggins and Messina
Ah, how about No.
Moody Blues
Knights in White Satin is the gayest song ever.
Steely Dan
Pretentious prog crap. Feel free to shoot anyone who likes this band in the face. I'll tell the cops you were with me the entire night. Deal?

Electric Light Orchestra
REO Speedwagon
Thin Lizzy
Sure, Jail Break is okay, but AC/DC's Jail Break kicks its ass.

Allan Parson Project
Look, I don't care if this guy was the mastermind of Pink Floyd's Wall of Sound, his solo stuff is God-awful!
Rick Derringer
Have you seen the Fidelity Investments commercial he is in?
Oh man, he must be suicidal. I can't believe it's not on Youtube! Oh wait, nobody over 25 posts to Youtube, never mind.

Amanda - Boston
Beth - Kiss
I've got 10 bucks that says that neither Amanda or Beth or in the picture anymore and that the respective bands crindge whenever those songs are played.
Funkytown - Lipps
The only version that should played is Towlie's famous version seen below.

My Sweet Lord - George Harrison
Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
George, I don't care if you are a former Beatle, get your religion of my radio, this isn't a gospel station.
Norman, you wasted one of the greatest guitar riffs ever to ramble on and on about Jesus.
Even JC is pissed about this, wishing that you saved that riff for song about partying, drugs, loose women, or a least some type of narly anti-war protest.

Blinded by the Light - Manfred Man
Yes. the famously awful "wrapped up like a douche" song.

Lunatic Fridge - Red Rider
Never has a more blatant and more awful rip off Pink Floyd ever been attempted.
To make it worse, Red Rider's front man was Tom Cochrane. Yes, the "Life is a Highway" guy.

Radio Ga ga and Bohemian Rapsody - Queen
I should have just put all of Queen under the bands section of this posting, but Fat Bottom Girls saves them. Actually though, Freddie Mercury probably wrote that song about fat bottom guys...(image burning into cerebral cortex). Okay, put Queen on the "bands" list.

Dream Weaver - Gary Wright
Lost the "Gayest....Song...Ever" world heaveyweight title to Knights in White Satin in a 15 round grudge match.

Friday, October 20, 2006

You Go Squish Now!

Ummmm....somebody here wasn't paying attention.
Let's see if you can figure out who it is.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Git Out ' The Way!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Proof that the World is Evil...and Hilarious

A coach paying an 8 year old to bean an autistic teammate so he couldn't play in a playoff game. (I've got nothing to add here, for once I am speechless).

The coach, while attempting to speak in his own defense, apparently confessed to the appalling act by smartly stating; "I didn't do nothing!"

Perhaps the funniest part is that the 8 year old beaned the autistic kid not once, but the ear and in the groin.

Come on, like you don't want to huzz a baseball at his head.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

No He Wasn't.

This is yet another example of why I dislike religion and religious people.
This is a story about a survivor of the awful Cory Lidle plane crash in New York. Apparently this women was in the same room that the plane hit, but managed to escape.

Her Brother-in-law is quoted as saying;

"I'm telling you it's an absolute miracle that she's alive. I honestly believe that God was sitting on her shoulder."

Really? Was He???
Riddle me this Batman, if God was sitting on her shoulder, then why the FUCK did an airplane hit her fucking bedroom??????

I'd bet that God was nowhere near the scene of this tragedy.

What's that? You have an itch?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Creepiest Commercial Ever!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Reason #113 Why You Need to get Satellite Radio

No more aggravating hack DJs like these guys.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

WhaWha Whaaaaaaatttt?

Okay, so apparently there is a diamond mine in Arkansas that is open to the public as a State Park, and an average of 2 diamonds per day are found there by regular citizens??????
If I had only known about this sooner.....things could have be different man....things could have been different.

Typical resident of Murfreesboro, Arkansas

Friday, September 22, 2006

Bullet Train Irony

Okay, so German engineers are testing the most advanced train ever built by man, capable of 280 MPH. They are cruising down the test track and an undetermined, but undoubtly blinding pace. They are certainly conversing about every little aspect of the train, how they've thought over every detail. How everything has been caluculated to the most infinite percintile that can be comprehneded by man.....

Then the train crashes into a repair car that was accidentally parked on the test track, killing 21+ of said engineers.


On an only slightly related note;

Monday, September 18, 2006

Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Druggies

When I first saw this, I figured the Government was pickin' on poor Willie.
But a pound and a half of pot and close to 100 grams of schrooms?
Damn Willie! You're 73 years old! (and also my new hero)

Hey! Same to You!

Well, on the way to work this morn I stopped at the local Dunkin's drive through to pick up a couple of ice coffees. A regular for me and French Vanilla for my sweetie.

Let's just say that we had a nice little chuckle when the French Vanilla was handed to us.


This story is bizarre enough, but the real kicker doesn't come until the very last sentence.

Friday, September 15, 2006


A little workout motivation for you all!!