My Haunting Theory

Me and my hottie lil' gal pal (Hi baby! I know you are waiting with baited breath for tomorrow's updated Best of Hotornot post! ) are house sitting this week in Belmont, MA. For those not from the Mass, think of any snooty rich town in your area that is chock full of yuppies, and you'll have a pretty good grasp of Belmont.

Anyways, I was walking through this big old house last night and for some reason (Mary Jane may have been prominently involved) I began thinking about the possibility of the house being haunted.

Now, just so you know, I really do not believe in all that haunting crap. Not that I don't think hauntings could happen, it's is just that the people who I've seen on TV who claim to have encountered a ghost seem to be the absolute least creditable individuals imaginable. Then these haunting specials on TV do nothing to help legitimize their stories; flashing blurred images on screen with an over dramatized score (BUM BAH BUUUMMM!) and often overdubbed with semi-subliminal screams just for the hell of it. I mean, NIGG-HA PLEEEZZE!

So, I began to ponder the idea of spirits and such, and came to the conclusion that if they do exist, they likely are all around us. They do not solely occupy old creaky buildings with leaky basements and cobwebs everywhere. They are probably in every dwelling with any type of history to it. Therefore, if spirits are everywhere, why do only a very few people actually get "haunted"?

I came to this conclusion: if you are being haunted, you must be some type of asshole or otherwise very annoying. I mean, I think if you were cool, the spirits would be down with just kicking back and chilling with you.

Getting back to me and my babe, we are hanging in this big old house, yet not a single haunting moment has happened to us. Maybe this is because half the time my girl is walking around the place in her birthday suit going in and out of the hottub, and the other half of the time we are cranking good music, throwing down beers, and ganking shots of expensive tequilla from the liquor cabinet. I imagine that the spirits in the house must think we are a blast to hang with, and therefore decide not to haunt us.




"Fucking Beetle knows
how to party, and his
chic is always naked!
NICE!!!"



Regarding the losers who are on the haunting shows, these people of the lowlifes of society. This must be why they get haunted. The spirits just can't stand co-exisiting with the sorry asses any longer. So they start winging vases around and jamming on the piano at 3:00AM.




Maybe if Signorney Weaver
wasn't such a douche,
she wouldn't need these
guys to save her cottage
cheese ass.




I can even imagine a ghost getting pissy over something a minor as the television shows people watch. I know if I were a ghost, and the person living in the house where I was residing watched Yo Mama everyday followed up by a Golden Girls marathon, I would fuck with them on priniciple alone. Therefore, it is quite possible that some hauntings are nothing more than a critique of your television viewing habits.



"Pac Man used to watch
Jennie Jones every day.
We just couldn't take it
anymore. Then the Ms.
moved in. C U Next Tuesday!!"
Blinky, notorious video game haunter.



So, there it is. If you want to stop being haunted, quit being a lame douch bag and live a little bit! Have your girlfriend/spouse walk around the house naked every now and again, and for fuck sake quit watching The Bachelor and all those faggotty games shows!! (except for the Price is Right of course!)




The only spirit that ever
bothers Bob is the ghost
of funbags past.