Stonecutters 2.0

HNT!!!!

2006-11-17T16:03:00.000-05:00

Except on my blog, HNT stands for half-naked tazering.

Just Another Bitch Whore Diva

2006-11-09T16:23:00.000-05:00

So much for Faith Hill's wholesome country girl image.
What a cunt.
I don't know what's funnier, her astonished reaction that the Hillybilly Music Association had the audacity to give the award to someone besides herself, or that ridiculous phoney pose she is in when she makes the assumption that she would be announced the winner.
What a stupid dingy broad!
Imagine the ride home poor Tim McGraw must have had?
"Can you believe that gave MY award to the fucking whore.....blah blah blah blah"
Hopefully Tim went old-school country on her by putting a Jimmy Beam bottle upside her oversized dome.

They've Finally Found Common Ground

2006-11-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

Amazing!
A seemingly never ending war between two cultures that has generally been cause by cultural intolerance on both sides may finally be resolved, due to both culture's intolerance of a third group of people.

In related news, Hamas has released a Fatwa declaring a Jihad on the city of Provincetown, MA.

Also today, Israeli tanks fired on the City of Providence, RI killing 19 innocent civilians. An unnamed Israeli military official blamed the strike on incorrect and/or misinterpreted strategic information.

All of this is simply more proof that all religions must be abolished from the face of the Earth.

Retard Button

2006-11-07T15:55:00.000-05:00

I am not sure which is more disturbing, the fact the Staples actually sells an "Easy Button" similar to the one shown of those stupid commercials, or that fact that
they've sold 1.5 million of the idiotic things already.

My personal "Easy Button" would be connected to the trigger of one of these

which would be located under here.

Go ahead and push it.
Please!
It's

General Rules for the Office

2006-11-07T10:18:00.000-05:00

Listen, I don't purport to be wiser than my fellow man, and I am not trying to come across as being superior in anyway. That being said, the following things are just plain common sense. I shouldn't even have to say them, but as my Mom always says;
"Common sense isn't too common".

1. Never schedule a meeting or conference call before 11:00 AM on a Monday.

For fuck sake! Let us get settled in, get some coffee, check e-mails and voice mail, and just generally get back into the groove before we have to sit down and listen to you drone on and on about marketing strategy.

2. Never schedule a meeting or conference call after 3:00 PM on a Friday.

The dreaded e-mail arrives in your box usually around 2:30 on Friday afternoon, or right about the same time I am perusing Sportsguys weekly football picks;
"Let's get together at 4:30 and discuss the schematics of the upcoming...."
Are you fucking kidding me????? My brains checked out of the office 2 hour ago, I would as soon go "Mucko" as I would attend you fucking faggot meeting.

No one here is nearly as important and they think they are. Especially the pompous ass sitting on the table.

3. Never expect too much work to be done on Friday.

Okay, if no one else will admit to it, then I will. Friday is a BLOW OFF DAY! I will work at max 50% capability on Friday. If you expect anything more from me, well you can just take your horrendous purple tie that your fat wife bought you for Christmas in 1987 and cram it up your cornhole.

You know where you can stick it Jeffery!

4. Never schedule a meeting anytime between 12:00 and 2:00 and not provide food.

If you do so, I will be mentally slaughtering you for the entire duration of the meeting. We are talking Saw III type mutilations.

5. Never complain that the office has "too much food".

Listen tubby, if you can't control your bindging and step up to a treadmill once in a millennium, then that's your own friggin fault. Never knock free food!

"Can you believe that our company always has these picnics and makes us eat? It's their fault that my husband hung himself last year!"

6. If you have an awful taste is music, then wear headphones.

There is no way that ABBA Gold should be echoing across the entire office.

7. I have an office and you have a cubicle for a reason. Don't fuck with me.

8. Don't force your health agenda onto co-workers.

An actual memo sent by my company's "Wellness Team" actually requested that people refrain from bringing in candy for halloween and instead bring in healthy items such as fruits and veggie sticks. I bet they wonder why their house gets egged every year.

"Trick or Treat!!"

9. Avoid using management jargon.

Listen, you may think you're smart by stating that the company needs to focus on core competencies while creating synergistic relationships between departments in order to fast track deliverables while creating quality customer outcomes that increase overall profitability, but I will not believe you possess any intelligence whatsoever until you can tell me what your strategy is to actually accomplish your linguistic gymnastics you fraudulent turd.

Not Classic and Certainly Not Rock

2006-10-27T12:50:00.000-05:00

Okay, can we all agree to ban the following bands and/or songs from all Classic Rock radio stations? They all suck kangaroo balls.
I bought a satellite radio in hopes of escaping these bands, no luck.

Loggins and Messina
Yes
Ah, how about No.
Moody Blues
Knights in White Satin is the gayest song ever.
Steely Dan
Pretentious prog crap. Feel free to shoot anyone who likes this band in the face. I'll tell the cops you were with me the entire night. Deal?

Electric Light Orchestra
Supertramp
Starship
Styx
REO Speedwagon
Thin Lizzy
Sure, Jail Break is okay, but AC/DC's Jail Break kicks its ass.

Allan Parson Project
Look, I don't care if this guy was the mastermind of Pink Floyd's Wall of Sound, his solo stuff is God-awful!
Rick Derringer
Have you seen the Fidelity Investments commercial he is in?
Oh man, he must be suicidal. I can't believe it's not on Youtube! Oh wait, nobody over 25 posts to Youtube, never mind.

Songs
Amanda - Boston
Beth - Kiss
I've got 10 bucks that says that neither Amanda or Beth or in the picture anymore and that the respective bands crindge whenever those songs are played.
Funkytown - Lipps
The only version that should played is Towlie's famous version seen below.

My Sweet Lord - George Harrison
Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
George, I don't care if you are a former Beatle, get your religion of my radio, this isn't a gospel station.
Norman, you wasted one of the greatest guitar riffs ever to ramble on and on about Jesus.
Even JC is pissed about this, wishing that you saved that riff for song about partying, drugs, loose women, or a least some type of narly anti-war protest.

Blinded by the Light - Manfred Man
Yes. the famously awful "wrapped up like a douche" song.

Lunatic Fridge - Red Rider
Never has a more blatant and more awful rip off Pink Floyd ever been attempted.
To make it worse, Red Rider's front man was Tom Cochrane. Yes, the "Life is a Highway" guy.

Radio Ga ga and Bohemian Rapsody - Queen
I should have just put all of Queen under the bands section of this posting, but Fat Bottom Girls saves them. Actually though, Freddie Mercury probably wrote that song about fat bottom guys...(image burning into cerebral cortex). Okay, put Queen on the "bands" list.

Dream Weaver - Gary Wright
Lost the "Gayest....Song...Ever" world heaveyweight title to Knights in White Satin in a 15 round grudge match.

You Go Squish Now!

2006-10-20T12:25:00.000-05:00

Ummmm....somebody here wasn't paying attention.
Let's see if you can figure out who it is.

Git Out ' The Way!

2006-10-19T15:18:00.000-05:00

Proof that the World is Evil...and Hilarious

2006-10-13T10:34:00.000-05:00

A coach paying an 8 year old to bean an autistic teammate so he couldn't play in a playoff game. (I've got nothing to add here, for once I am speechless).

The coach, while attempting to speak in his own defense, apparently confessed to the appalling act by smartly stating; "I didn't do nothing!"

Perhaps the funniest part is that the 8 year old beaned the autistic kid not once, but twice....in the ear and in the groin.
(Must....contain....laughter.)

Come on, like you don't want to huzz a baseball at his head.

No He Wasn't.

2006-10-12T15:57:00.000-05:00

This is yet another example of why I dislike religion and religious people.
This is a story about a survivor of the awful Cory Lidle plane crash in New York. Apparently this women was in the same room that the plane hit, but managed to escape.

Her Brother-in-law is quoted as saying;

"I'm telling you it's an absolute miracle that she's alive. I honestly believe that God was sitting on her shoulder."

Really? Was He???
Riddle me this Batman, if God was sitting on her shoulder, then why the FUCK did an airplane hit her fucking bedroom??????

I'd bet that God was nowhere near the scene of this tragedy.

What's that? You have an itch?
WHERE'S YOUR MESSIAH NOW?!?!?!?!?!

Creepiest Commercial Ever!

2006-10-10T09:02:00.000-05:00

Reason #113 Why You Need to get Satellite Radio

2006-10-04T08:59:00.000-05:00

No more aggravating hack DJs like these guys.

WhaWha Whaaaaaaatttt?

2006-09-26T09:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, so apparently there is a diamond mine in Arkansas that is open to the public as a State Park, and an average of 2 diamonds per day are found there by regular citizens??????
If I had only known about this sooner.....things could have be different man....things could have been different.

Typical resident of Murfreesboro, Arkansas

Bullet Train Irony

2006-09-22T14:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, so German engineers are testing the most advanced train ever built by man, capable of 280 MPH. They are cruising down the test track and an undetermined, but undoubtly blinding pace. They are certainly conversing about every little aspect of the train, how they've thought over every detail. How everything has been caluculated to the most infinite percintile that can be comprehneded by man.....

Then the train crashes into a repair car that was accidentally parked on the test track, killing 21+ of said engineers.

Wow.

On an only slightly related note;

Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Druggies

2006-09-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

When I first saw this, I figured the Government was pickin' on poor Willie.
But a pound and a half of pot and close to 100 grams of schrooms?
Damn Willie! You're 73 years old! (and also my new hero)

Hey! Same to You!

2006-09-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

Well, on the way to work this morn I stopped at the local Dunkin's drive through to pick up a couple of ice coffees. A regular for me and French Vanilla for my sweetie.

Let's just say that we had a nice little chuckle when the French Vanilla was handed to us.

Worst....Alibi....Ever!

2006-09-18T08:47:00.000-05:00

This story is bizarre enough, but the real kicker doesn't come until the very last sentence.

Giiiuuu...TUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

2006-09-15T11:02:00.000-05:00

A little workout motivation for you all!!

Just More Proof that Human Beings are Savages

2006-09-14T13:17:00.000-05:00

I am sure those who are carrying out these slaughters feel like real manly men!

WhoreSpace.com

2006-09-14T11:15:00.000-05:00

This is not too surprising.

Magnolia - The Sequel

2006-09-13T11:37:00.000-05:00

Nothing screams "City Festival" like dead pigeons falling from the sky.

Regarding Magnolia, now that I think of it, and it has been a long time since I've seen the movie, but Tom Cruise's part vs. his actual exsistence is very close to being a case of life imitating art.

Newest Member of My Vigilante Squad

2006-09-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

This bitch choked a motherfucker OUT!

5'7' 260 pounds?
Damn! When did Jerome Bettis get a sex change?

C U Next Tuesday!

2006-09-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

Damn, do you think this frosty bitch could at least have waited until the body stiffened?

Oh Shit!

2006-09-05T10:26:00.000-05:00

After 17 years of high speed high jinks on the highways of Massachusetts, today I officially annoucement my retirement.
Mr. The Man....you win.

Goofy Fools

2006-08-31T13:54:00.000-05:00

To borrow a phrase from Bill Simmons,
There is comedy, there is high comedy, there is trancendent comedy....and then there is a group of balding 45 year old men playing hacky sack in Boston Common.

These guys were old enough to have teenagers that should be the ones kicking that dumb hippy ball around. I wonder if the game got started with one of these aging yuppies asking the others in the office; "Hey, you guys wanna go outside for a hack?"
Dorks.

Damn I wish this picture came out better. Lousy camera phones.

Vigilante Squad

2006-08-31T09:11:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and it just seems that there are too many individuals who believe they can operate above the law. That they can just do whatever they want without fear of repercussion.

From tobacco companies increasing the amount of nicotine in cigarettes, basically spitting in the face of federal anti-smoking legislation.

To Exxon-Mobile posting record profits while fear mongering and using Iraq, Iran, Katrina and any other excuse to skyrocket the price of oil. Do you think our government is going to do anything about this? Forget it! Bush Sr and Jr. Rummy Cheney et all are all heavily invested in oil. They are making millions and millions. Talk about a conflict in interest.

However, I am not only talking about corporate villains, day to day criminals need to be dealt with harshly too.

Child molesters infiltrating churches and day cares.

Illegal aliens forming the most dangerous gang in America today, making the Blood and Crips look like boyscouts.

Street thugs killing people for jewelry.

Etc etc etc. I could go on for hours.
Law enforcement is either overwhelmed or completely corrupt. There needs to be another answer. There needs to be something that strikes fear into the hearts of scumbags everywhere. So that when they are about to do something ghastly, they stop and think; "Wait, if I do this, those crazy ass motherfuckers might come for me."

You're God-damn right we will.

Anyways, This guy is my #1 draft pick.

Fuck yeah Charlie!
I'm with ya!

Whoopsie

2006-08-30T15:37:00.000-05:00

The only thing missing here is a nice Frank Drebin inspired fart.

Something tells me the holidays may be a bit awkward with a certain sister-in-law.

Frank Drebin - Still less outrageous than the Bush Presidency.

Nice Promotion.....Assholes

2006-08-30T13:32:00.000-05:00

So, I go to my local D'Angelo Sandwich shop for lunch.
I order a steakbomb, but no drink for two reasons;

1. For some ridiculous reason, D'Angelo thinks it is a "great deal" for their consumers to "combo up" buy adding a fountain drink and a bag of chips for $1.99. A fucking buck 99er???? The chips probably cost 'em about $.40 per bag and fountain drinks only cost eating establishments about $.09 per cup.

2. I try to avoid excess soda and usually drink water at lunch.

Anyways, I order a steak bomb and with my change I am given a "Big Papi" scratch card. Apparently D'Angelo's has brought David Ortiz aboard as an endorser to bolster their sagging status in the area.
I scratch my Big Papi card and win a "Free medium fountain drink".
I figure, well since it is free I guess I could go for a nice Mountain Dew.
So, instead of being a jerk and walking to the front of the counter and demanding my free drink, I actually wait in line again to get my prize (I had to wait for my steakbomb to be grilled anyways).
As I hand the mindless cashier lady (MCL) my prize winning card, I am informed that it is only good for my next purchase. When I told said MCL that I had waited in line again, and this WAS my next purchase, I was told that I actually had to buy something else. So, in order to get my "free" soda (cost of 9 cents to D'Angelo), I had to spend more money. So I ripped my Big Papi scratch card in half in front of MCL and told her she can keep it because I will never be back.

Somehow, I don't think the idea of a promotion is to ensure that customers never return to your store again, but what the fuck do I know.

The steakbomb was fucking subpar anyways.

A New Level of Stupidity

2006-08-28T10:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, there is dumb as in George W dumb.

Then there is completely moronic, gamely represented by Larry the Cable Guy

But this guy (link fixed now) has raised the roof and installed dormers onto the house of idiocy.

Hey buddy, if you name is Madin Azad Amin, you might not want to tell airport security that the perverted item in your carry-on bag is a bomb.

Overused Sayings

2006-08-24T13:10:00.000-05:00

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been.

Has it really? Let's just stop right there. If you can honestly say your trek to the Grand Canyon with the kiddies in tow was as long and strange as the Grateful Dead's career was, then please continue with my blessing. Otherwise, shut your yip.

"You quoted me in reference to your business trip to Peoria??? Say you're sorry."

Houston, We Have a Problem.

Yeeeecccchhh!! Why don't you drop a Christa McAuliffe joke as well jackass. Let me guess, ten years from now when somebody in your office gets fired, you're gonna say he got "Plutoed".

Ahhhhh...yes, all over Florida. Good one.
No Really...it was good....really.

ANYTHING Dave Chapelle.

Look, I love the man, but when Dave himself wants to kill people who quote him, it becomes time to put "Rick James" away.

Yadda Yadda Yadda.

You loved watching Seinfeld. You watched it religiously every Thursday night. You were one of the "hip" people in the office on Friday mornings trading "Heeeeelllllllllooooo"s and "I'm Keith Hernandez!"s. Then, 10 years went by and yadda yadda yadda, you are still quoting from the show.

They're laughing at you for still using that "Puddy" reference.
Not with you, at you.

May the Force Be With You.

This phrase was forever killed when cash slut George Lucas forced his three shitty prequels up our collective ass canals.

Da Nutsach....Tell it!!

If you've seen ol' Georgie anywhere,
this guy wants a word with him.

Wedding Crashers, Old School, Anchorman, et all.

Okay, I am still guilty of these. The key is to quote from the depths of these movies. If you are still yelling "We're going streaking!" while referring to San Diego as a "whale's vagina", chances are you probably wear a blue shirt to work every day and you're friends don't like you very much.

Oh No You Didn't!!!

Okay, if you are a sista from the Bronx, then this is still fine, but if you are a fat white-trash broad from Indiana, then please just stop. Other sayings you should avoid;
Foshizzle my nizzle
Oh Snap!
You Go Girlfriend!!

Here are a few "white" replacements I can suggest for you, because after all, you are white;
Oh no you didn't! = Did you really do that? Wow, I am surprised.
Foshizzle my nizzle = Sure thing my good friend
Oh Snap! = Darn!
You Go Girlfriend! = Good for you Sally . I am proud of you for standing up for what's right.

Yup, she's ghetto.

The Curse of the Bambino

Christ, we thought this one was put to bed for good, but it is making a resurgence due to the 5 game debacle at Fenway last weekend. Now Dan Shaughnessy is planning to pen "The Return of the Curse" in order to help put his future grandkids through college.

The recent 5 game sweep of the BoSox at the hands of the Yankees means that this cornholer can buy another mansion.

40 is the New 30.

Let's see, your are still unmarried and the big 4 - 0 is barreling down upon you. So you perpetuate an enormous lie to make yourself feel better?
Hmmmm....it's just too bad that the crows who did a tap dance on your once youthful face didn't get the memo.

Exhibit A of the infamous Heckle and Jeckle stampede trial.

"I do say my good friend Jeckel, we stomped that old hag's face but good!"

"Indubitably Heckel, Indubitably!"

Pimpin' Pussy

2006-08-24T10:15:00.000-05:00

This story is awesome for two reasons.

1. It is absolutely ridiculous to the point where I hope the terrorist finally get their hands on some nukes and finish us off.

2. This cat is totally bad-ass!!

Don't make me come upside yo head ho!

Preachin'

2006-08-24T10:02:00.000-05:00

Now, I don't not believe in organized religion whatsoever, but this is some good shit.

Makes me want to jump on top of a pew, scream "Preach it my brother! Preach it!" and then promptly pass out.

The 10 Gayest Cars Ever

2006-08-23T10:23:00.000-05:00

I never intended this to be a "lists" website, but I am sorta on a lists roll.
Be sure to also check out Macca's Annoying Gym Members and TMTMTL's Top 25 Horror Flicks that are spread out over 3 parts.
I
II
III

10. The Porsche Boxster

Famously referred to as a "Pussy Porsche" by Tony Soprano, the Boxster was Porsche's attempt to target the yet untapped "Guppie" (Gay Yuppie) market. A very brilliant and very gay move by Porsche. I'll never look at a 911 Carrera the same way again.

9. SAAB 900 (1980s) models.

SAAB has since "manned" this car up quite a bit, but when it first came out (pun alert!) it was SUSPECT!! I can't quite pin the reason down though. Perhaps it was the slanted rear, or maybe because it was SAAB's first real splash into the American market and let's face it, SAAB sounds like the last name of a gay porn actor.
Ass Crammers 3, starring Barry SAAB

8. (Tie) Geo Tracker and Toyota RAV4

This is a tie only because the RAV4 is a blatant, although MUCH better made, ripoff of the Tracker. Both are equally feminine. Defenders of these vehicles try to pass them off as trucks. Yeah, just like Brian Boytano tries to pass himself off as an athlete.

6. The Mini Cooper

This spooge-fart on wheels should be rated higher on this list, but it gained a touch a credibility when Mike Myers, Matt Damon, and Ed Norton all zipped around in Minis in various major motion pictures. Well played Mini, well played.

5. Renault's Le Car

Perhaps the original rainbow wagon, real men loved nothing more than taunting the drivers of these vehicles by blowing by them in their GTOs and Chargers. Unfortunately, the Le Car drivers would have the last high pitched feminine chuckle as they kept driving past gas stations.

On the plus side, this was the #3 search result for "Le Car" on Google Images. Nice! I needed that!

4. The Honda Insight

As if being an environmentalist tree hugging dork wasn't bad enough, if you were caught dead tooling around in one of these abominations, there was only one possible explanation...twinkle toes.

3. VW Beetle

Having the nickname "Beetle" since grade school is bad enough. Having to share said nickname with this rolling HIV machine is just plain agitating.

2. Honda Del Sol

Honda's target market for this car was single chics with not a care (or child) in the world. Somewhere along the way, things went horribly horribly wrong.

And the winner for gayest car ever....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. Black Honda Prelude

Hahaha, just kidding! One of my buddies has this car. Of course his is held together by toilet paper rolls and bailing wire.

1. (For real this time) Mazda Miata

Come on. Was there ever a question?

Boldly Reinforcing Stereotypes

2006-08-21T15:24:00.000-05:00

Just to clarify, I firmly believe that most stereo types are mean spirited.
However, it always cracks me up (or in these cases, completely enrages me) when members of a particular nationality, ethnic group, etc. blatantly do ridiculous things to set their own heritage back a century or so.
A couple of examples;

Is there any question as to what nation this woman is a descendent of?

Here's a hint.

What about this guy?

Another hint

So, to review;
We have a dumb yuppie broad who crawls on her hands and knees all day in grocery stores just to score free stuff.
Then we have a lawyer who sues a ball club for giving away free hand bags to mothers...on FUCKING MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!

Mel....can I get a little help here?

More Annoying People at Work

2006-08-21T07:04:00.000-05:00

I guess there really are quite a-many people who get under my skin in the office. If you didn't see part 1, just scroll down a little bit. Also, please feel free to add more annoying co-workers in the comments!

1. The disgruntled "I am smarter than everyone else" guy.

He has the answers to all the of company's woes. Upper management is composed of a "bunch of lying jack-offs" and everything would run smoother if people just listened to him. (It's of no consequence to this schlep that said company just posted a 1.7 billion Q1 profit).
Hey, I am sure you are chock full of great ideas, it's just too bad you are still a Customer Service Rep after 5 years of service, Copernicus.

2. The Cubicle Casanova

He usually is a little older and has been with the company longer than his co-workers. Therefore, here's not only suave, but he knows the lay of the land. At his desk you will find a tin of mentos and a bottle of L.A. Look hair gel. He is always willing to share his wisdom with the young interns, and is likely to have a wager with the Blue Shirts (see below) that he'll bag Janie the ditz after the office X-mas party.
The only problem is....he is still a Customer Service Rep after 5 years of service.

"Hey there.....you're the new girl Sandy right? Let's me show you around the office. That smell? That's the smell of desire young lady."

3. The Desk Sleeper

I don't care if you are at lunch or on one of your scheduled breaks, wake the FUCK up Costanza.
This isn't a fucking motor lodge.

Rise and shine Harold, and tell Kumar to score me some more of that killer gange.

4. The Blue Shirt Crew.

These are the retarded, far less successful cousins to the striped shirt guy.

Look, all guys wear the blue collared button down shirt with khakis every now and again. It's a solid look. But if it's the only thing you ever wear, and the only thing all your buddies at work ever wear ...well....I....I..ummm....I....you know what? Never mind. I can even think of anything insulting enough to say to you.

The Blue Shirts work hard and play hard!

5. The guy from out of town who roots for all the wrong sports teams.

Boy this fucker is annoying. Always in your office first thing in the AM to laugh at you after another humiliating defeat.
However, whenever his team losses, you can't find this guy anywhere. It's like living in an enemy city has enabled him to develop chameleon-like abilities to camouflage himself.

Asshole.

I was going to put a picture of an annoying Yankees fan here, but I decided to go in this direction instead. It just felt right.

6. The person who has to fill you in on all their medical issues.

Excuse me, but I don't remember asking for a half hour dissertation of your gastro-intestinal infection. Mind if I finish my lunch now?

7. The displaced surfer dude.

He had to quit his job at Boardz N Bladez because it wasn't covering the rent for his beach side loft. So, he opted for an office job because, "how hard could it be dude?"
Now, this isn't a bad guy to have in your corner because he usually has good drugs and the office hoochies gravitate towards him, but relying on him to actually accomplish anything? Not a chance.

8. The flaky out-of-touch boss.

Usually a successful entrepreneur type who just can't relate to his/her employees.
A conversation with him might sound like;

Flake Boss: "Yeeeaahhh, for vacation we spent a month hiking in the Andes with only the contents of our back packs and our wits to get us by. We lived for 2 weeks with a native tribe whose village was located 10,000 feet above sea level. By the time we left, they had accepted us as one of their own. It was really a challenging, mind expanding trip. What did you do on your vacation?"

Me: "Ummmm I hit Motorcycle Week at Laconia."

Yeah, I bet I had more fun though!

9. The Bride-to-be

The self centered bitch spends hours of company time ogling wedding catalogs, constantly quizzes her co-worker on different invitation types, and waves her ring around just waiting, like a hungry lioness crouching in the brush, for the next victim to ask about it.
Her wedding absolutely needs to the best..event...ever! Especially better than her "best friend's" (AKA, whore-skank she's always in competition with) was last year. It's just too bad that her fiance only bought her the ring to shut her fucking yap and has a VIP membership to Scores.
5 words for you sweetheart;

I....HOPE....IT....FUCKING....RAINS

(Can you believe there is not one picture of the Wedding Singer's Glenn Guglia on the entire Internet?? Help a blogger out a little would ya www?)

10. The really really I mean REALLY pregnant chic.

This greedy broad is hoping to max out her maternity leave time by staying in work until the little fucker pokes his head and half his left arm out of her crotch. One request for you Goodyear, stay the fuck away from me. I don't need your water breaking on my hush puppies.

Hoping to hang in there for three more weeks.

This Could Only Happen in Steven King's Home State

2006-08-17T14:21:00.000-05:00

This thing is fucking awesome.

I love it when backwoods Maine hick folklore is proven true.

One question regarding the story, an eyewitness claims to have had a face to face encounter with this beast when it was still alive and claimed; "...it had a horrible stench I will never forget".
Why the fuck would a living animal have a horrible stench??

As a matter of fact, now that I've thought it over, this whole story has a horrible stench.....of bullshit!

It's just a little too convenient that the wildlife officials and animal control offices neglected to exam the carcass. Then the carcass was picked clean by vultures.
I mean, how hard is it to doctor up a photo and send it to the local paper? Not hard.

Shenanigans! I call shenanigans!!!

Please Don't Do These Things

2006-08-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

1. Feed seagulls and/or pigeons.

Nothing ruins a nice day at the beach or local park than some pin head tossing french fries to the local winged rodent population. I can only close my eyes and hope said pin heads receive the Hitchcockian fate they so thoroughly deserve.

I can dream can't I?

2. Blow yield signs.

A Massachusetts specialty.
I actually kinda enjoy when someone nonyields me, because then I can speed up and cut them off viciously enough to make them UPS their pants. What can brown do for you buddy?

3. Use children's toys as transportation.

There is one particular 40 year old turkey that I frequently see whizzing around Boston on a razor scooter with his shirt and tie on. He probably thinks he's hip. Too bad everyone else on the street is hoping for a well placed pot hole.

If you are older than 17 and riding one of these, you should be forced to sing "Nooona Nooona Nooona" out loud the whole time.
(God I hope at least some people get that reference)

4. Serve my meal when I am still working on my apps.

Listen waitresses, if you were too stupid to hold off placing our dinner order with the kitchen until after you've dropped off our apps, at least toss the finished food under a heat lamp and do a couple of lines in the back until we finish our calamari. Thanks!

5. Wear a Che Guevara shirt unless you know who the man actually is and what his role in history was. (Here's a hint, he was best buddies with Fidel Castro)

He is not a fashion symbol and no, he is also not the lead singer of Rage.

6. Go into the drive through if you don't know what you want.

If you need to peruse through the menu, go inside for Christ Sake!

"Sooo...ummmmm...ahhhhh.....ummmm.....one sec......ummmmm......so what's in a Big Mac again?"

8. Practice Tai Chi in a public place (and expect me not to laugh at you).

Getting in touch with her inner buffoon.

9. Ask me how I want my steak if you are just going to cook it medium well anyways.

Look, I am know I am in the wrong for ordering a steak at Applebee's in the first place, so lets just skip the illusion that you might actually cook it the way I requested.

10. Give the middle finger when posing for pictures.

Who are you, Fred Durst and Eminem's love child? Didn't you get the memo? 1999 is over.

I am giving a #10 exception to all these guys, because they are obviously bad asses.

More Gold Digging

2006-08-16T10:02:00.000-05:00

I knew AOL had hit hard times, but this is a bit much.

Stonecutters have yet to confirm rumors that Anna Nicole Smith, Shaune Bagwell, Shanna Moakler, and Beth Ostrosky plan to be on site for the dig.

It's a well know but little publicized fact that Ms. Bagwell and her ilk have always been the primary fuel for the capitalist machine.

Gold Digger Smartens Up

2006-08-15T14:59:00.000-05:00

When petitioning for divorce from Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker, his ex-ho simply presented the court the following picture and reasoning;

"Look at him, he's a fucking idiot."

Big Brotha In Dah House!

2006-08-15T11:34:00.000-05:00

Okay,
The scary part of this story is apparently they have "speeding cameras" in Arizona???
WTF?????

I've heard of stop light cameras, which I am perfectly fine with as running stop lights is just a dick move, but speeding cameras?? So, if the speed limit on a particular road is 40 MPH, when does the camera start clicking and sending tickets?
41 MPH?? (My God) 50 MPH?? This is info I need to know!
Miss Meg, you are from AZ right, can you shed some light here?

"Welcome to Arizona?? Oh FUCK NO!"

Whoring Myself Out - Welcome New Readers

2006-08-14T08:16:00.000-05:00

So, last Friday, the Boston.com discussion boards posted the following topic;
"Please tell us about any inane and silly websites you navigate to in order to kill time."

Of course, where some people see a message board, others (me) see opportunity. After slaving over this blog since May to the tune of about 12 readers per day, I was ready to step it up a notch. So, I whored myself out on the discussion board in a manner that would make P. Diddy blush.

"Hey Sugar, do you want to check out my blog?"

The good news is that it worked.
Over 250 new readers hit the blog over the weekend!
Woo Hoo!
I am hoping for a 10 - 20% conversion rate.
So, Hopefully my blog will now have about 40 readers per day.

A few quick note to new readers;

1. Welcome and be sure to cruise around the archives, there is a decent amount of material

2. As noted in my "Musings" post, sometimes I will post 3 items in one day, and sometimes I won't post anything in a week.
So, please bear with me. Three reason for my sporadic posting behavior;

A. I only post new items while I am at work. I don't even have a computer at home.

B. I never post just for the sake of posting. Something has to be on my mind or pique my interest. I try to stick to a strict "no filler" pledge.

C. It is me and only me posting. My boy Macca helps me with technical stuff because he's good at that and because I have a Mac, and Blogger doesn't work too well with Mac OS 10.

So, without further ado, let me bring out the official Stonecutters welcoming bimbo.

"Hey there, does anyone need anything to drink?'

Proof That Some Countries Are Just Much Cooler Than Ours

2006-08-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

New Zealand; No longer the shrimp to Australia's barbie!

Clearly this is the best line in the whole story;
"They also were told police had approved the parade and would be in attendance to ensure road safety."

Memo to New Zealand criminal masterminds, plan a bank heist on the other side of town while this event is happening.
Something tells me that your opposition will be minimal.

If he were still alive, Neil McCauley would be all over the New Zealand National Savings Bank on August 25th.

Everyone sing!
"IIIIIIIIIIIII love a parade!"

Annoying People at Work

2006-08-09T11:29:00.001-05:00

Between Office Space, The Office, and countless others, the chronicals of annoying co-workers have been well covered.
However, I can think of at least a few who have been overlooked.

1. The Chronic Over-explainer.

This blithering idiot probably takes 2,000 words to tell her kids how to tie their shoes. Never ask this person a question, avoid meetings held by them at all cost, and for fucks sake pray that you aren't on the distribution list for one of their 11 page e-mails.

2. The "I brought fish for lunch" Guy

Thanks jackass, the entire office now smells like Hilary Clinton's douch bag.
'ppreciate it!

Yes Hilly, it smells THAT bad!

3. The Microwave Hog

Here's an idea, if the cooking directions for your lunch read something like;
"Microwave on medium for 10 minutes. Turn and microwave on medium for 8 minutes. Remove from over, poke holes in platic. Microwave on high for 10 minutes. Turn and microwave on medium for 5 minutes."
Please leave it at home.

4. The Crazy "I bathe in cheap perfume" Lady

Cousin to "Fish Lunch" guy.
Unfortunately, this is never the hot girl who overly slathered her body in Victoria Secrets "lavender and lace" body lotion.
It is usually some retched looking beast-whore with the equivilant of homeless man urine saturating her every pore.

Nope, she's never one to overdue her delicious scent.

5. The "Groans loudly while he shits and/or pisses" Guy

Dude! Really! I know that last meeting was long, but internalize that shit would ya?

6. The "I'm entitled to 2 cig breaks an hour" Person

This cancer ridden asshole does less work than Christopher Reeve at a ping pong tournament.

"The ball goes back and forth and back and....whoops! I got it! I got...oh wait... You got it? Okay.
Nice hit Chan! Nice job!"

7. The Chronic Complainer

You know what, if you don't like it here then GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!

8. The Always Sick Person

Constantly snivling. Balled up tissues all over their desk. Lot's of complaining. LOUD coughing.
Start taking some vitimins for FUCK SAKE!!!

9. The Girl Who's Always Cold

Extra points if she's blasting her co-workers out with her space heater.
Friggid bitch.

"Ummmm Betsy...it's July."

10. The Elderly Person who is always spouting "old timey" wisdom.

Excuse me gramps, why do you think it is that you work under me despite being three times my age?
It's because you're stupid. Now go away.

Go change your diaper pops.

My Day...So Far

2006-08-08T10:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's 11:41 AM EST and I have yet to do more than 10 minutes of actual work.

Here is a summary of stuff I have actually done.
I've checked the following Web Sites (# of times each site has been checked this morning)

ESPN.com (2)
Boston.com (6...It's my homepage)
My own blog (3....I'm the biggest critic of my own work)
Sitemeter.com (3...gotta see whose checking my blog out)
BankofAmerica.com (1...gotta remind myself of my own poverty level)
Other various websites (probably 10 or so)

I've also scanned all 30 pre-sets on my XM radio about 20 times.
Listening to Pink Floyd's Dogs right now....however I cashed my office heroine supply last week, so I am not fully enjoying it.

Took a walk to mail some bills and to get an iced coffee. I walked extra slow.

I've have actually answered two phone calls and returned two other voicemails (my 10 minutes of work)

Took one dump. It was rather large (Thank you large D&D Iced coffee with cream+sugar)

Wrote this post.

Is it 5:00 yet?

Tell me about it buddy.

General Thought and Musings

2006-08-04T09:35:00.000-05:00

1. I like revolving doors because you don't have to hold them for anyone.

2. Regarding fashion and style, I firmly believe that no matter how trendy something is now, I will not do/wear it if in 10 years from now, I will have to explain myself to a crowd of people laughing at my photo album.
Perfect example of this; Oversized sunglasses that are oh so chic....and absolutely ridiculous looking.

Paris Hilton? or Helen Keller.

3. If I let you go in traffic, and you don't give me a courtosey wave, just know that I am wishing a horrific accident befalls you.

I'll bet you'll wave next time!

4. I don't care how hards it is raining, oversized "golf" unbrellas are for fucking buffoons.

5. Speaking of golf, it is actually a cool game if you shun the usual decorum and play while drunk or on some type of narcotic.

6. Howard Stern is proof that old age ruins everything.

7. The Boondocks is the best show that nobody is watching.

8. Its seems to me that the guys who used to wear their cellphones in leather cases attached to the waist of their pants, are now the ones most likely to be rocking the Bluetooth ear piece.

9. I found this picture while Googling "Boondocks". I wonder if the photographer said something like; "Okay, all the uglies get in the back row."

10. Boston.com Caption time!

(I won't even bore you with the idiotic responses from the Boston.com readership. You'll just have to trust me when I saw that they were awful).

Beetle; "After a long and grueling audition, Joe lost the part in American History X to Ed Norton. So he decided to return to his old refereeing job "

11. Sometime I don't post anything for a week, and sometimes I post three things in one day. Deal with it.

The Lesson Here; Don't Get High on Yo' Own Supply!

2006-08-03T10:16:00.000-05:00

Especially if your simple mind can't handle dah chronic.

This shit wouldn't have happened if Nino Brown was in charge!

Ahahahahahahahaha (deep breath) Ahahahahahahaahaha!

2006-08-03T08:44:00.000-05:00

This pooch is aparently unfamiliar with Elvis' smash hit "Don't be Cruel".

Ironically, Elvis' other favorite teddy bear "Mr. Snuggles" was also found face-down on the bathroom floor.

Caption This! Motherfuckers!

2006-07-28T11:21:00.000-05:00

Boston.com, the official webpage for the Boston Globe, has a weekly segment asking readers to create there own caption for humorous photos. Of course, since the Boston Globe considers themselves to be a highly reputable news source, it is a guarantee that all responses will be as lame as possible and absolutely devoid of any actually humor.

Here is today's picture along with a sample to actually reader's "humorous" captions. (Sorry I can't link to it directly, it is a registration only type of thing)

Take notice that some dillweed named "Woodman" has posted half the responses and even uses a duplicate substituting "Red Sox" for "Yankees".
Two comments for Woodman;

1. You are a comic genius.

2. If I had a way of tracking you down, I would kill you.

At the end is the caption I submitted. The rest of my work day will consist of refreshing the page to see if they have enough balls to actually post it.

Posted by Woodman on 11:13 AM
Hey kid, when you grow up don't ever let your mommy dress you.
Reply| Options

Message #752.22 in response to #752.1
Posted by Mr.Slave on 11:16 AM
Sombody call DSS immediately.
Reply| Options

Message #752.23 in response to #752.1
Posted by Woodman on 11:17 AM
As the trading deadline nears, the Boston Red Sox were out scouting potential talent to add to their roster.
Reply| Options

Message #752.24 in response to #752.1
Posted by GlenLcc on 11:17 AM
Cindy Sheehan and President Bush meet face to face
Reply| Options

Message #752.25 in response to #752.1
Posted by Woodman on 11:18 AM
I really wanted to be an Oscar Mayer weiner, but this is the best I could do.
Reply| Options

Message #752.26 in response to #752.1
Posted by mdidonna on 11:20 AM
"AAAHHH!!!!, A Baby, RUN AWAY!!!"

Reply| Options

Message #752.27 in response to #752.1
Posted by Woodman on 11:21 AM
As the trading deadline nears, the NY Yankees were out scouting potential talent to add to their roster. Seems like a good fit to me.
Reply

Beetle: "Touchy" The Clown is handed another victim on a silver platter.

Corruption, Politics, Cash, and the MBTA

2006-07-26T10:14:00.000-05:00

My faithful Stonecutters readership (hi Mom!) is all too familiar with my experiences with the wonderful MBTA (Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority).
From my "See Something Say Something" experience to murderous trains making me late for work.

Well, my favorite organization is back once again to torment me. You all may or may not be familiar with the recent Big Dig tunnel collapse in Boston a couple of weeks back. Well, the collapse happened in the Ted Williams tunnel which is essentially the key pipeline between Boston and the North Shore of Massachusetts, where I happen to live of course. The result of the collapse is that the tunnel is now closed indefinitely. Therefore, traffic issues in Boston are at an all time high, even worse than they were before the Big Dig tunnels opened! I love irony.

So now, North Shore commuters unable to drive into Boston are piling onto the MBTA trains that I take to work every day.
So, how has the good ol' MBTA responded to this sudden influx of riders paying piles of additional cold hard cash into their coffers each day? Increase the number of trains during rush hour maybe? Or perhaps add a couple of additional cars to the trains servicing the North Shore? Or simply placing a maintanence priority on the North Shore line to ensure that trains do not break down?
WRONG!!! The answer is simple; Pack the additional cash paying suckers on the regularly scheduled, frequently un-airconditioned, often broken down trains, and stuff the extra income gained into their FAT GLUTTONOUS PIG WHORE FACES!! ARRRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHG!!!!!!! (Much stuff being broken).

"Next stop...Salem"

Meeting of the MBTA braintrust.

This is just yet another example of fat-cat Massachusetts politicians and political organizations lining their pockets while the people suffer. So the question is? How do we punish these transgressors? How can we serve a nice plate of cold justice to those who have allowed others to suffer and even die in order to squeeze a few more bundles of cash into their pockets?
How can we ensure that these greedy slobs finally realize that we mean business and are not going to take it anymore?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Nerd Sports

2006-07-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

Oh man, what to make of this.
Perhaps the best part is that it appears from this interview that Mr. Wozniak is apparently somewhat winded from all of his strenuous activity.

Segway Polo Groupies

What a little Cunt Bag

2006-07-21T08:13:00.000-05:00

Nice job Johnny, chasing down stay-at-home moms and their little E-Bay businesses.
I hope you die a slow grueling death from rectal syphilis.

Hey Johnny, have you ever heard the story of Samson??
We didn't think so.

I found the following excerpt from Samson's story to be especially fitting;
"It is important in comprehending the story to understand that Samson's power does not lie in his hair. It is merely that he has now already broken the first two laws of the Nazarite. This is the last straw, so God removes his power."

This is a perfect analogy for Damon, as he didn't lose his soul when he cut his hair, It is merely that he has now already broken the first two karmatic laws of baseball and life;

1. Don't dump your high school sweetie for a stripper once you become a big star.
2. Don't ever...EVER leave the Red Sox to sign with the Yankees.

No Johnny, I wasn't referring to this Samson from "Half Baked"

Too Bad Bugs Never Did This to Elmer

2006-07-19T08:52:00.000-05:00

So much for the idea that carrots are good for your vision.

By the way, this was the very first result when searching the word "carrot" on Google images. No bullshit.

I Am Sorry, But This is Ridiculous

2006-07-17T10:06:00.000-05:00

I mean really, is this the most advanced space craft ever built by man, or is it Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowny just finishing a 6 second run in 1978?

Absurd.

By the way, this was the #3 result when searching the phrase "Drag Racing" on Google images (try it yourself if you don't believe me)
Gotta love the Internet!

Cheap Bitch Pays Dearly

2006-07-14T08:28:00.000-05:00

Sure, this dumb whore won over $21,000 dollars, but I hope she lays awake at night with the horrible thought that if she had simply made a real bet of 10 dollars instead of betting a dime like the fucking chisler that she is, she would have won $2,158,400!
On a side note, this article states that "Many tracks nationwide have introduced such 10-cent wagers to lure more customers".
I am sorry, but if you are making any type of business transaction in this day and age where your primary compensation is a single Roosevelt, well....it's safe to say that business is not good.

We laugh at your cheap bet!

My Pet Peeve - Hand Dryers

2006-07-10T10:20:00.000-05:00

Last Friday afternoon I scarffed down a Big Mac and Fries at my local McDonalds. I go to the rest room to wash up. It's was 90+ degrees outside, so I splash some refreshing cool water on my face to rid myself of excess sweat. I go to dry up and.....that's right! No paper towels, just a fucking cunt-ass hand dryer!!!! FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!
My face is dripping wet and there is no reasonable way to dry it. (normally I check for the presence of dryers vs. towels before washing said face, but I forgot this time....fucking sue me alright!?!?!)

What's that you say? Hmmmm? Turn the nozzel upwards and use the dryer to dry my face? I REPEAT SHIT STICK, IT WAS OVER 90 FUCKING HUMID ASS DEGREES OUT!!! AND I'M GONNA DRY MY FACE WITH A BLAST OF STEAMING HOT AIR???? YOU BETTER FUCKING WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW CHEESE DICK!!!
Besides, the nozzel on this particular gas bag didn't even turn upwards anyways. Stuck permanently facing down.

"Hey guys, can you point that over here? I need to dry my face. Thanks!"

Warning! Completely unrealted tangent:
Okay, speaking of McDonalds, how is it that Ronald McDonald is the only surviving member of The Burger Bunch from the 80s? Ronald is FUCKING GAY!! Does anyone over 3 years old like this clown? Anyone?? Bueller??
Hamburgular rocked in a completely politically incorrect way (Only a character named The McSodomizer could have possibly been funnier).
Mayor McCheese was the fucking bomb and even Grimmace, while annoying, could kick Ronald's yellow ass up and down the block. Plus, nothing is funnier than calling a fat girl wearing purple "Grimmace". Brings down the house every time. And what about the Fry Guys? Plain Awesomeness!! (Can you believe I can't even find a picture of the Fry Guys on Google? WTF???)

"Rabble rabble" Translation;
Ronald's a fucking dead man for firing me!

Back to hand dryers.
Stoned out hippie defenders of these pieces of trash will give you the following arguments;

1. Dryers eliminate paper towel waste which therefore is better for the envirmonent.
Beetle's myth busting retort #1:
Paper towel are 100% bio-degradable and can be made for recycled materials. And since the paper doesn't need to be of particiular high quality, they can be manufactured from a high percentage of post-consumer waste (If you don't know what I am talking about here, then start doing a little bit of reading, would ya please? Dummy.)

2. It uses more energy to produce and transport paper towels, and then dispose of said paper towels than hand dryers do.
Beetle's myth busting retort #2:
Regarding transportation, restaurants already have trucks delivering them napkins and other shit. Therefore, the trucks are already coming. Tossing a couple of boxes of towels onto said trucks uses exactly ZERO percent more energy. (If you are calculating the addition weight of said boxes and the resulting lower fuel economy of the trucks, then I hope your caculater Chernobyls in your face you incremental bean counting cunt!!!!!) Percentage wise, it is ZERO. Or 0.0000000000000000000000143 to be exact! In other words, ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regarding waste removal. Same as above. The trucks are already coming to empty your dumpster. A few extra bags of trash is not going to make a difference. I repeat....THE TRUCKS ARE ALREADY COMING ANYWAYS!

Regarding the energy used manufacturing towels; Well, I godfucking gaurantee you that you can produce 2 tons of towels for the same enegy it take to produce just one of those steel dryers. And don't forget, dryers are made of steel, which means strip mining!!!! We all know how much you dumb hippies love strip mining!

You see, that is the problem with idealist hippies, they have all of these great ideals, but are generally some of the most mis-informed people on the planet.

"All that weed I smoked really has expanded my mind MAAANNN! Now let's go change the world! What's that? I have to get up and do stuff?? Forget it man, Phish is still playing for like 4 more days....and then I am gonna hop in my van which get 7 MPG and follow them to their next show! I haven't fixed the catalytic converter in 6 years, but I give Joe at the gas station a bag each year in exchange for a sticker. SAVE THE EARTH MAAANNN!!!

Now, here is my argument;
Let's take California as an example. California is a State which actually had to enact rolling blackouts over the past several summers due a shortage of energy.
California has a population of over 36 million people.
Therefore, I would guesstimate (I may be way off here) that there are probably close to 1 million hand dryers across the State.
Now, each of those dryers, on average, is probably pressed at least 100 times per day. That means 100 million uses every single fucking day (36.5 BILLION per year)!!!!! I don't care how energy efficient those things claim to be, 100 million times even a tiny amount of energy suddenly equals a whole fucking shitload of energy.
Cali? Want to solve your lil' energy crisis, a good start would be to ban those lil fuckers!!!!!

Concerned Hippy; "But wait Beetle, what about all that energy used to manufacture all those additional paper towels?"
Beetle (after delivering dope slap to Concerned Hippy's head): Most of those paper towels are maufactured in a different state, you know, maybe even one that doesn't have an energy crisis.

Anyways, that is my idea.
It's funny how a whole movement can begin just because one embittered ass (me) couldn't dry his face.

"Beetle go SMASH now!!!!!!"

Really Bad Movie Cliches

2006-07-05T08:59:00.000-05:00

Some things happen in movies and only in movies.
Here are a few of my favs.

The 3rd party shooter

So, we are closing in on the end of the movie, the supremely evil villain has our dashing hero dead to rights (whatever that means). Just as the villain is about to squeeze the trigger....BANG!!! The hero checks himself for the bullet hole....BUT HE'S OKAY!!!! Suddenly the villain slumps over with blood trickling from his mouth. IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE FOLKS!!!!
Who shot the villain??? Why it was the hero's partner/love interest/best buddy whom we were sure the villain disposed of 5 minutes before when he emptied his clip in their back. I sure didn't see that one coming!!!

This guy was a bad ass in Die Hard....until he was wasted by Urkel's dad.

Then there is the cousin to the 3rd party shooter, and that is when the partner/love interest/best buddy takes a bullet for the hero. If that happens, oh boy...look out. The hero is gonna be pissed. Memo to bad guys everywhere; When taking aim at the hero, watch out for the diving partner/lover/buddy!

Praying alone in an empty church

Our hero/leading man has something heavy weighing on his mind. He's in church at some ungodly hour (pun somewhat intended) praying. At some point, the pastor is bound to walk over to console him (It would be much funnier if he handed him the collection plate)
Who does this? Are churches unlocked and open for business 24/7?

The Angry Police Chief

Come on! Do all Police Chiefs have bugs up their collective arses?
Why are they always riding Marion Cobretti and Martin Riggs?
Sure the collateral damage they've caused is through the roof, but these motherfuckers get the job done!

On second though, you'd be an asshole too if you had to supervise this douche bag.

The car that just won't start.

"We are gonna get away! Sure the evil doer is approaching with varying amounts of haste, but we've got just enough time to fire up my trusty '79 Regal and skeeeeedaddle!!" Wrwrwrwrwrrrrrr.....wrwrwrwrwrwrwrrrrr "Uh-oh"

"Quick, the zombies are coming! Everyone pile in!"

The Hero shoulder shot

Also during the climax of any action movie, the villain has the hero in his sites, squeezes the trigger BAM!!.....right in the shoulder! Ensuring that the hero will be just healthy enough to still dispose of the villain in a highly dramatic fashion. (Usually by chucking him off a roof, mountain top, or other location of extreme altitude. I guess movie goers just love watching bad guys fall from high places)

Well, that's all I got for now.
Please feel free to add any I may have missed (yes, all 7 of you!!).
One quick rule, avoid 80s movie cliches. Those have been exposed and beaten to death.

You've Got to be Fucking Kidding Me.

2006-06-29T14:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am sitting in my office right now listening to an extremely boring and useless conference call.
To help pass the time and keep me awake, I decide to take my foam stress ball and bounce it off the walls of my office, playing my own lil' version of "Outs". (and my boss wonders why I didn't want to join her in her office for said conference call).

Anyways, I am keeping myself mildly entertained with this activity (by mildly entertain, I mean that my urge to kill has dropped to somewhat manageable levels) when suddenly and inexplicably the ball lands inside the suspended lighting in my office which is about 12 feet above the ground.

Game over.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Sticking it to the Man... The Gorton's Fisherman

2006-06-28T10:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday will go down as one of the luckiest days of my life.

Do you see that??

Look closely...

That's right. Box says Macca should get 6 filets. Somebody gave Macca 7.

SEVEN!

I feel kinda bad, because you can see the anguish on the face of the Gorton's Fisherman on the cover of the box.

"Yarr, why yee be stealin' my feesh?"

You know he's out there day in and day out fishing the most deadly catch, the elusive and violent Crunchy Breaded Fish.

I hear you don't fish these with a net, but pain-stakingly fish them individually with a harpoon. The way our ancestors used to.

Sorry Gorton's Fisherman. Stay safe, and thanks for the extra catch.

Once a Chump.....

2006-06-27T15:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am out for a bite to eat at a local Mexican grille in Salem, MA (yes, THAT Salem). I sidle up to a bar and order a drink. I casually look to my left and notice a kid I went to junior high school with. He was also sitting at the bar and sipping a Guinness.

Now, let me take a moment to describe my junior high school. I live in a city affectionately known as the "City of Sin" and
The Hells Angels have a VERY prominent chapter headquartered there. In junior high school, none of the really bad kids had been weeded out yet and sent to DYS. Basically, junior high was their last chance to straighten themselves out before a long haul in juvie, and let's just say that most of them didn't make it. On top of that, I am pretty sure the building that housed my junior high school was built in the mid 1800s and looked eerily like Shawshank penitentiary. In other words, junior high school was hell.

That all being said, I didn't have much of an opinion either way of this particular classmate, but he always struck me as somewhat of a chump. However, we are talking close to 20 years ago here, and who really was cool when they were 13 anyways? (certainly not me)

So, I am sitting there drinking my margarita (yes it was Monday, quit judging me!) and contemplating whether or not to say anything when the kid got up and left. Oh well, I thought, no big deal. Then I looked over and realized that said former 13 year old chump left over half his glass of Guinness unimbibed.

Un-fucking-forgivable!

Once a chump......always a chump.

I suggest you sit down and finish off your fuckin' pint mate.

We stink and we are generally bad people

2006-06-23T15:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, this morning my sweetie and I were waiting for our train.
We made it to the train station on time, which was a minor miracle seeing as I am rocking on 3 hours sleep today, only to find out that our 8:01 departure to Boston had been cancelled.

Next train wasn't schedule to meander through the station until 8:30, which meant we would both be late for work... once again.

In the meantime, an express train pulls through our station. By express, I mean it was an express to Boston from its origination point somewhere further up the line and was not scheduled to stop at our station.

However, sweetie and I were of the opinion that since our train was cancelled, the express should make an unscheduled stop and pick up the stranded passengers. There was only about 20 of us, so it wouldn't be like we'd be overcrowding the fucker.

Well, once it became apparrent that the express train wasn't stopping (for safety reasons, it mosies through the station at a tantilizing 5 mph... almost teasing your cock into thinking it is going to stop) sweetie and I made the informed decision to hawk loogies (yes both of us) onto the train's windows. So, we did so and felt better about our places in this suck life.

It wasn't until I arrived at work (a half hour late) that I found out that our original train was cancelled because it struck and killed a pedestrian a few stops up. Apparently, we live on a rather murderous section of rail seeing as this was the second death in a 24 hour period on our line.

Anyways, feeling kinda bad about hawking loogies on the express train.
The lesson (as always) is the title of the story.

Crap! Late for work again!

Manny + Ortiz = Baseball History

2006-06-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to actually put this down in writing, because something is happening in Boston right now that has only been seen once before in baseball history. That's right, only once.
It is without questions that Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz are the best hitting duo in all of baseball right now.
I mean, who else?? Giambi and A-Rod? Hmmm, an admitted juicer and the least clutch player in baseball, I don't think so.

This kid has more creditbility in that wee little finger than Giambi does in his entire bloated mess of a body. The fact that an admittedly juiced up Giambino (gayest....name....ever) hit TWO home runs off Pedro in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, long before the Grady Little fiasco, really grinds my gears!
Fuck you Jason. Fuck you.

"My locker combination? It's 6-4-3, why do you ask?"

Pujols and Rolen/Edmonds? While Prince Albert is admittedly sick (although, he's is about as close to 26 years old as the new Pope is) the second half of the duo just does not hold up.

Albert Pujols in an undated photo

However, Papi and Manny's dominance extends further than just the current day. The fact is, they apparently are the second greatest pair of teammates, in regards to offensive production, in the history of baseball!!
Now, it goes without saying that Babe Ruth and Lou Gerhig are absolutely untouchable. It pains me to say it since they are Yankees, but there is no comparison.

However, the fact is, Manny and Ortiz are apparently second.
Mantle and Maris only had one dominant year.
The Willies for the Giants (Mays and McCovy) careers didn't intersect during each other's primes.
Same for Hank Aaron and Eddie Mathews.

In 2004, Ortiz/Manny combined for 84 HRs and 269 RBIs.
In 2005, they combined for 92 HRs and 292 RBIs.
Now, Ruth and Gerhig have numerous season together where they've eclipsed these numbers.
But, as far as my research can tell, they are the only ones.

Papi and Manny are due up???
No es bueno!

Here are some other teammates best years for combined stats;
Eddie Mathews and Hank Aaron
1959; 85 HRs and 237 RBIs (Homers are close, RBIs are not)
1960; 79 HRs and 250 RBIs

Mantle and Maris
1961; 115 HRs (FUCK!!) 270 RBIs (Obviously many more homers, but not even close to Man-Paps 2005 RBI #s)

A-Rod and Sheffield
2005; 82 HRs and 253 RBIs (Nope and nope)

Coincidentally, the Red Sox had another set of teammates that were also dominant.
Ted Williams and Vern Stephens (who?) tore up the AL between 1948 - 1950.
Check out their combined numbers for 1949
82 HRs and 318 RBIs !!!!!!!
However, I tend to discount this tandem due to the fact that it was an uneven partnership.
You see, AL hurlers were so ri-God-damn-diculously afraid of Ted Williams, that Stephens was practically hand-delivered his pitches on a batting tee. In 1951, when Teddy Ballgame was called to duty for the Korean war, Stephens numbers fell off the map and he was soon out of baseball for good.

Another group of teammates worth mentioning are the menacing trioka from the 1990s Cleveland Indians;
Albert Belle, Jim Thome, and.......Manny Ramirez!
However, their career peaks didn't perfectly intersect either.
Manny didn't become truly dominant until after Belle left, and Thome didn't until after Manny left.
Plus, Belle was perhaps the biggest cunt ever to don a baseball uniform.
He made Ty Cobb look like Mike Brady (with the HIV and everything!)

Everyone sing! "He's an
asssshooolleeeeooooeeeoo!
The world's biggest asshole!
A! SS! HO! LE!

Long story short....Manny and Papi are making baseball history.
Perhaps what makes it most enjoyable is that neither have ever been mentioned in any steriod whispers whatsoever.
Be sure to take a moment to enjoy!!!

Man-Pap update 7/7/06!
Combined to go 4 for 8 last night with 3 homers and 8 rbis.
On pace to finish 2006 with 105 HRs and 290 RBIs!!!!

Man-Pap update 8/1/06
Combined to go 4 for 8 last night with 3 homers and 6 rbis.
On pace to finish 2006 with 104 HRs and 297 RBIs!!!!

Man-Pap update 8/10/06
Manny and Ortiz now lead the AL in just about every significant offensive category.
King David is #1 in HRs and RBIs
Manny is #1 in Slugging %, Walks, and OPS, is 2nd in On Base %, and 8th in Batting Average.
Of course, Man-Pap is not getting much help from their teammates lately and therefore the Sox have lost 4 of 5 to the D-Rays and Royals to fall 3 games behing the Yankees and 1 1/2 out of the Wildcard. Doh!!!!

Thank God these girls got the "expose breasts/shirt puller" dynamic correct here.

Apparently, This is Important

2006-06-21T11:23:00.000-05:00

Here is an article outlining a key battle that is currently being fought in the Massachusetts State Legislature.
May God strike these people down with some of that blinding wrath stuff he breaks out every now and again.

Fluffernutter Sandwich Angers Mass Senator

Coincidentally, the Marshmallow spread that is at the center of this argument was invented and is still currently manufactured in my hometown.

Finally,
Sorry for not posting much content lately. We are in the busy season at my job, and if you think I spend an ounce of my free time on this thing....well my friend, you are allllllll riiiiiiiggggghht.

Just let me pay and leave!

2006-06-15T11:04:00.000-05:00

Man, I hate having to go to some of these stores nowadays. Many places you go want to sell you something else at the counter.
"Would you like a membership card. $19.99 a year!"

"Can I interest you in a subscription to Sports Illustrated?"

"Would you like a CD cleaner with that?"

People... stop. I just want to pay for my shit and leave your establishment. Milking me for more is so very annoying.

I just went to Suncoast Video to buy Kung Fu Hustle. I had to wait behind one person as there was only one cashier. The cashier started in with trying to sell him on their frequent shopper card, he politely declined. She then asked him about getting some sort of trial offer for a couple of magazines, the customer explained he already had subscriptions to them. She looked at his DVDs and asked him about several movies and the benefits of pre-ordering them. He said he was all set, but maybe next time.

10 minutes later she had finally rung the guy up and he paid and left.

I get up to the counter, put down my DVD, and watch her take a breath as if getting ready to do it all again.

"No thanks. 'No' to every offer, subscription, club or anything else. Just the video please."

She looked at me as if I had just kicked her cat while she watched. She was holding back, but I knew she was insulted. Her face quickly lost any hint of a smile. She rang me up, took off the super secure DVD plastic case, and mumbled the price. I put down the money, she took it and the change and practically reached inside the register to make the receipt come out faster.

She didn't even say thanks.

My bad Suncoast Video lady. My bad for not letting you waste my time. My bad.

I was at the register under a minute. Just like the good ol' days, bitches.

See Something Say Something

2006-06-14T12:53:00.000-05:00

See Something Say Something

...is the antiterrorism mantra of the New York City MTA, and is copied here is Boston by the MBTA. The idea is if I, as a pedestrian, see something suspicious that may be akin to terrorism, that I should report it to the nearest authority figure; Cop, security guard, Pope, whatever. (I find it rather unsettling that untrained civilians are both the MTA and the MBTA's first line of defense on terrorism, but I digress). This mantra (I like that word, "slogan" you are fired) is drilled into the heads of train and subway riders every single day in the form of announcements, pamphlets, signs, etc.

"Kirk to Enterprise,
See Something Say Something Indeed!
Kirk out."

Fast forward to today. I am walking in Downtown Crossing in Boston. It is perhaps the busiest area in town for foot traffic. I grab an ice cream and sit down on the benches in a little park outside of Borders Books. The park is dedicated to the survivors of the Ireland Potato Famine of the mid 1800s and has several statues of starving and withered Irish folk. It's very unappetizing actually. Can't they just put a statue of a potato with a red crossed-out circle? I mean....We get it, there were no potatoes, people starved, lot's of em. We don't need emaciated statues to remind us. The ironic part of it was that while sitting in Potato Famine Park, I was scarffing down a hot fudge sundae. It was irony-ific!

Back to my point though, I go to the barrel to dispose of my trash, and I notice inside is a backpack, and rather lumpy looking backpack at that. Now, today was about 80 degrees and sunny in Boston, and this was at the height of lunch hour, so there were at least 500 people within 50 feet of this trash can. It was an ideal target. So, of course my brain kicks into See Something Say Something mode (3 straight years of daily rides on the MBTA will do this). I casually look around for a cop. None of course! But if I was driving 10MPH over the limit, the scene would resemble the end of The Blues Brothers I'm sure.

There's never a cop around
when you need one. Just ask this guy.

So I decided to go into Borders and alert the security guard. He walks with me to the trash can, pulls out the backpack and reveals.......Nothing inside but an empty Vodka bottle.

The end result of my See Something Say Something experience? I felt like an ass. I am pretty sure I heard people mumbling and laughing at me as I tried to slink away from the scene as non-chalantly as possible.

Terrorists 1 Beetle 0

The official symbol of the
See Something Say Something
campaign

Check it out! See Something Say Something has claimed another victim!

My Haunting Theory

2006-06-08T08:47:00.000-05:00

Me and my hottie lil' gal pal (Hi baby! I know you are waiting with baited breath for tomorrow's updated Best of Hotornot post! ) are house sitting this week in Belmont, MA. For those not from the Mass, think of any snooty rich town in your area that is chock full of yuppies, and you'll have a pretty good grasp of Belmont.

Anyways, I was walking through this big old house last night and for some reason (Mary Jane may have been prominently involved) I began thinking about the possibility of the house being haunted.

Now, just so you know, I really do not believe in all that haunting crap. Not that I don't think hauntings could happen, it's is just that the people who I've seen on TV who claim to have encountered a ghost seem to be the absolute least creditable individuals imaginable. Then these haunting specials on TV do nothing to help legitimize their stories; flashing blurred images on screen with an over dramatized score (BUM BAH BUUUMMM!) and often overdubbed with semi-subliminal screams just for the hell of it. I mean, NIGG-HA PLEEEZZE!

So, I began to ponder the idea of spirits and such, and came to the conclusion that if they do exist, they likely are all around us. They do not solely occupy old creaky buildings with leaky basements and cobwebs everywhere. They are probably in every dwelling with any type of history to it. Therefore, if spirits are everywhere, why do only a very few people actually get "haunted"?

I came to this conclusion: if you are being haunted, you must be some type of asshole or otherwise very annoying. I mean, I think if you were cool, the spirits would be down with just kicking back and chilling with you.

Getting back to me and my babe, we are hanging in this big old house, yet not a single haunting moment has happened to us. Maybe this is because half the time my girl is walking around the place in her birthday suit going in and out of the hottub, and the other half of the time we are cranking good music, throwing down beers, and ganking shots of expensive tequilla from the liquor cabinet. I imagine that the spirits in the house must think we are a blast to hang with, and therefore decide not to haunt us.

"Fucking Beetle knows
how to party, and his
chic is always naked!
NICE!!!"

Regarding the losers who are on the haunting shows, these people of the lowlifes of society. This must be why they get haunted. The spirits just can't stand co-exisiting with the sorry asses any longer. So they start winging vases around and jamming on the piano at 3:00AM.

Maybe if Signorney Weaver
wasn't such a douche,
she wouldn't need these
guys to save her cottage
cheese ass.

I can even imagine a ghost getting pissy over something a minor as the television shows people watch. I know if I were a ghost, and the person living in the house where I was residing watched Yo Mama everyday followed up by a Golden Girls marathon, I would fuck with them on priniciple alone. Therefore, it is quite possible that some hauntings are nothing more than a critique of your television viewing habits.

"Pac Man used to watch
Jennie Jones every day.
We just couldn't take it
anymore. Then the Ms.
moved in. C U Next Tuesday!!"
Blinky, notorious video game haunter.

So, there it is. If you want to stop being haunted, quit being a lame douch bag and live a little bit! Have your girlfriend/spouse walk around the house naked every now and again, and for fuck sake quit watching The Bachelor and all those faggotty games shows!! (except for the Price is Right of course!)

The only spirit that ever
bothers Bob is the ghost
of funbags past.

Detailin'

2006-06-07T13:08:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday my friend Scott detailed my car. The kid kicked some major ass on it. His obsessiveness with cleaning really paid off.
Check it:
He vacuumed the seats and interior like, 3 or 4 times. Which, to my surprise, were outside of my car.
He cleaned the vents, washed the windows, armor all'd the whole fucking thing inside. Then brought it to a gleaming shine. (he even took apart the console to clean INSIDE of it.

Thanks man!

Hockey Fights Yo!!

2006-06-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

Since creating this menace of a blog, I've come to realize how hard it is to post good new stuff each day.
This fucker is becoming a beast and my productivity at work is no doubt suffering.
But I have come to realize that most things I like are also liked but most other like-minded individuals. (Like really!)
So, I began to think about stuff I like.
You know what I like? I like hockey fights! Fucking A!
And this site here's got some of the best ones!

http://www.hockeyfights.com/videos/

Fast Lane

2006-06-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

What the fuck, Fast lane?

They call you "Fast Lane" for a reason.

Why are you so not friggin' fast??

The scene:

The ugly green metal bridge in Boston known as the Tobin Bridge. An archaic old relic of times past. On the top level, there are tolls. There is also construction which brings the number of tolls from 8 to 6. 2 of these 6 are designated "Fast Lane". When you get to one of these "Fast Lanes" (sorry, can't use quotes enough for this) you are promptly greeted by a robotic plastic arm that blocks your path. The "Fast Lane" sensor reads your transponder and then raises it's arm.

While I'm waiting in the "Fast Lane" LINE, I can see people who have their $3 toll in hand flying right through their toll, happily handing their daily cash sacrifice to the corrupt Massachusetts Turnpike Association.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Anywho, I've learned that if you don't wait for that stupid fucking arm to come down, you can get right under it. There was a time when there wasn't an arm, and you could cruise right through, loving that you were beating the surrounding morons that don't have the "Fast Lane" pass.

Back in "the day" when there wasn't an arm, people who accidentally got into the fast lane would go through and get a ticket in the mail. Some timid little people would panic and stop short in this lane if they realized they made a mistake, and yell to a toll collector that they messed up. Causing a long line of angry people behind them.

Today, because of the lovely ARM TECHNOLOGY, people without the passes are stopped... and they HAVE to wait for a toll collector to come and take their money.

If you are reading this, and don't have "Fast Lane" and get into a "Fast Lane" and fuck it up for everyone else, I hope you die a long and painful death from cancer you STUPID PIECES OF SHIT. WAKE THE FUCK UPPPPPPP!!!!! ASSHOLES!

[gets off soapbox, kicks it, stomps on it, douses it with gasoline and sets it on fire]

Great new music...and it's about FUCKING time

2006-06-05T08:17:00.000-05:00

Nowadays, good new rock music is more difficult to find than hot broad in a Boston bar who doesn't have any of the following ailments....kids, engagement rings, STDs, fat cockblock friends.
All these new MTV generated Blink 182 wannabe faux rock bands make me want to stomp skull with my size 13 1/2 Timberlands. (Okay you caught me, I am only a size 11 and I am wearing Sketchers).
This all being said, here is a badass new rock band who is starting to make waves.
Unfortunately, it seems that many people are quickly jumping the bandwagon, so by the time you read this, they may already be overexposed and getting rimmed by the disgusting likes of Spin magazine. (Oh how I hate them!!)

http://www.wolfmother.com/2005.html

Best of Hotornot Redux

2006-06-02T08:12:00.000-05:00

Once again, here are some of the best from one of our favorite sites, Hotornot.com.
Kind of funny to think about it, but it was this completely brainless idea from which we decided to start this blog in the first place. Now the site has apparently (and thankfully) taken on a life of it's own. But, in keeping with the theory of riding the horses that brought you here, the Best of Hotornot will always have a home with the Stonecutters (despite the unyeilding displeasure of certain significant others).
Okay, on with the skanks!!! Woooo hooooo!

Simply Awesome

2006-06-01T14:14:00.000-05:00

Somewhere on this site is the key to the name of this blog.
Hint: We made Steve Guttenberg a star.

http://www.angelfire.com/film/tsss/sounds.htm

I Love Nintendo

2006-05-31T12:41:00.000-05:00

Is it me, or is this clip hilarious?
It's probably just me, but watch it anyways.
Sound is a must.

The Dont's of Posting Pictures to Dating Sites

2006-05-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

When deciding a picture to post onto Yahoo singles, Hotornot, or Hotmanmeat.com, there are certain rules that need to be followed.
Here are some example of people who broke some of the cardinal rules:

The Sideways Picture

Are you too dumb to rotate the picture and save it before you post it?
This says one thing; You are too fucking dumb to be dating. Find a short bus and hop aboard!

The Tiny Picture

WTF? Did an Oompa Loompa give you your camera for Christmas?

Missing a Major Portion of Face and/or Head

What the hell is wrong with the upper right portion of your head that you decided to post this picture?
Perhaps nothing, but you better believe that my imagination is running wild with images of a huge goider or massive shotgun wound.

The Psychotic Smile

My God, please do not bludgeon me to death while I sleep!

Food Stuff on Face

Are you kidding me? You couldn't wipe the strawberry Bubbilicious off your fat face before posting your picture? You expect to get dates with this?

Posing with Your Children and/or While Pregnant.

This "prize" is killing two birds with one stone. I've got 10 bucks that says her parents weren't too thrilled when they met her "baby daddy."

Writing Self Serving Notes on Your Pictures

Ummmmm....I don't see too many brunettes walking around with blonde roots. 'Nuff said.

Posting Pic Right After you Fell Asleep in a Tanning Booth

Looks like you leaned up against a bus in London with a "wet paint" sign. Dummy.

The Extreme Close Up

Rap supergroup Onyx penned a ryhme about you.
BACK THE FUCK UP!

The Goofy Pose

This is why the terrorists hate us.

Blurry Pictures

Siiiighhh....The Helen Keller school of photograghy is now in session

Scribbling Others Out of Picture

You can't crop the picture before you post it?
Also, seeing as you are the only one in the pic not crossed out like a kindergarten down syndrom drawing, the "Me" with the arrow is probably redundant.

Photoshopping Your Picture to Make Yourself Look Thinner

Let's look closely at the following two pictures. In the top one, her right arm appears to be missing? What up wit dat?
A look at the second picture gives us the answer. Notice how her right side looks like it was bitten by a shark, and how her left hip has a mysterious triangle chunk taken out of it?? I call shananigans! Going back to the first picture, we realize that she sacrificed her right arm in order to deceptively slim her torso. I love the smell of insecurity in the morning.

Finally, last but certainly not least....

Pretending to be Something You're Not

Ummm....If you are a dude trying to pass yourself off as a girl, you might want to look into waxing your arms and shoulders.
And if you really are a girl? Well, I apologize......Sasquatch.

P.S.A. For the Ladies

2006-05-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

A PSA for all the ladies: Please avoid these douchebags at all costs.

Video Games are fun

2006-05-24T12:45:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh... I miss being young and energetic.
I would have needed a nap halfway through this tantrum.
Damn dude. How do you say "Chill the fuck out!" in German?

Now with translation!

Why did I buy a danish?

2006-05-23T09:25:00.000-05:00

So, I've been trying to drive more responsibly to work to avoid any more brushes with the law. I think driving slower actually makes me more enraged.

Anywho.

Today, the drive-thru of Dunks was out to the street. So I decided to park and go in. Zero people inside, at least a dozen cars in the drive-thru. I get a large iced-coffee and see that they have strawberry/cheese danishes. I used to love those. I ordered one of those too.

I begin driving to work and today the traffic is a bitch.

There is always this one spot in Cambridge that forks off into two lanes. The left lane is always backed up at least a half-mile, while the other lane (a turnoff) is usually wide open.

I take that right-lane turnoff..

Many people take the right lane to go past allllllllll the traffic in the left lane. They get to the fork, stop, and put on their left blinker to cut all the traffic they just passed. This causes the right lane to back up.

Anyways, I took one bite of the danish and it was so rich that it made my stomach turn. I put it back in the bag and had every intention of throwing it away when I got to my parking garage.

Instead of finding it's way into a barrel, it ended up on the passenger-side window of a Mercedes Benz that had chosen the right-to-left lane cut in.

He had so many cars beeping at him and once we were finally able to squeeze by him, people were flipping him off and yelling. The dickhead driver was flipping the people he was impeding off and laughing.

Until I got next to him.

(fwooop SQUISH!) Strawberry/cheese danish up on yo window bitch.

...and I keep on driving.

In my rear-view window I see him start to pull back out of the lane he was in to take my exit.
He must have thought better of it, because he pulled back in. Horn blazing.

The man in front of me rolls down his window and leans out. He screams "That was the best thing I have seen all year! That guy was an ASSHOLE!' I give him the thumbs-up and am thankful that no cops saw that.

Today is off to a satisfying start.

Welcome

2006-05-22T17:00:00.000-05:00

Hey you! Yeah you. Do we have your attention yet???

Welcome to the new mess of a site we gots going on here. You'll be sure to see plenty of ranting and odd shit.

If you found your way here, you were either hitting that "Next Blog" button with authority or we emailed you the damn link.

Comment on shit PLEASE. If no one comments, we feel no love, we give up on entertaining you.

"WE'RE JUST GETTIN' STARTED!" (Insert sound of weights crashing to the ground in a gym)

Keep reading, fuckfaces.

Just kidding, we love you all.

Me Likey Moving Pictures

2006-05-22T10:26:00.000-05:00

One of our favorite web sites, FoundryMusic.com, has tons of cool videos posted on it. Unfortunately there are literally thousands of videos, and a lot of 'em are just meeeeh.
So, I'll be sorting through them from time to time and bringing you only the best of the best, each time with a different theme.

Today's theme - Accidents

More balls than skill, or brains

Watching turkeys dump their rice burners = funny.

Turkey One
Turkey Two
Turkey Three

Watch the slow motion closely.

Just plain bad driving. Don't these people watch the road more than 50 feet in front of them?

You go squish now!

They're people! Those bowling pins are people!!!

Best of Hotornot.com

2006-05-19T10:35:00.000-05:00

Why bother scrolling thousands of pages of fat pigs whose key words are "cutie" (you are not a cutie you pugfug cunt) and "clubbin" (only if I could go "clubbin" your fat squash like it was a baby seal), just to find the occasional hot slut. I've done all the grunt work for you. There's plenty more to come, so keep checking back! - Beetle

Harrassing a NY Post Reporter

2006-05-19T10:20:00.000-05:00

Here is an interesting e-mail conversation I had with NY Post columnist Mike Vaccaro after he wrote an article suggesting that New York Yankee pitchers should throw at David Ortiz.
Here is a link to a summary of the original article. (Yes, a summary. I ain't paying to unarchive the entire thing!)
I've changed my e-mail address in this posting because I have enough stalkers already.

From: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue 5/9/2006 3:06 PM
To: Michael.Vaccaro
Subject:

So, the Yanks need to "let a little music dance across the whiskers" of David Ortiz?
Would that be the same way the blast of cum dance across your whiskers you cum guzzler!
I can hear you T-cell count dropping from here!

"I hope that you die, and your death'll come soon."
B. Dylan.

From: "Michael.Vaccaro"
To: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Subject: RE:
Date: Tue, 9 May 2006 17:49:33 -0400

That's the single most vile thing I've ever seen. Nice stuff. You
don't just give Red Sox fans a bad name, but human beings, too.

From: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed 5/10/2006 10:08 AM
To: Michael.Vaccaro
Subject: apologies

Writing an article about throwing baseballs at people heads is pretty awful
as well. By the way, Roger CLemens faced the Red Sox 4 more times in 2003 after his famous "plate coverage" quote. He never threw at Ortiz and he actually gave up a home run to David in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.
I do apologize for my previous e-mail, it was quite vile and inhuman.
However, the thought of a writer wrecklessly suggesting that Randy Johnson and crew purposely throw at Ortiz is sickening.
Don't forget, you are dealing with a fan base who witnessed the tragedy of
Tony Conigliaro first hand. Tony C, the youngest player ever to reach 100 career homeruns (at the ripe age of 23 year and a couple of months) probably would have been the difference maker for the great Sox teams of '67, '75, and '78.
Instead, a pitcher who was jealous at his inability to get Tony out, decided
to take it upon himself to destroy the man's career and life.
I am sure that my e-mail wasn't the only vile one you've received from
Boston, and the sad story of Tony C. is probably why.

From : Michael.Vaccaro
Sent : Wednesday, May 10, 2006 12:19 PM
To: Beetlerulesgodsgreenearth@yahoo.com
Subject : RE: apologies

No apologies necessary, Chris. The great thing about sports is how it can get you fired up like this. It's why I love it so much anyway. And just to clarify: there's a difference between "throwing at" someone and "brushing him back." Tony C is the best example, and I assure you, if I or anyone else ever publicly calls for someone to get beaned, we ought to be arrested. But owning the inside part of the plate is a strategy that's been around for 150 years.

By the way, your original email got quite a few laughs from the boys in the office ... I fear they may think you were right on ...

Mike Vaccaro